Jack and I said goodbye today.
It really is quite unbelievable.
Through everything, he was always here. Always around. Even when I thought I didn’t want him there, he was there.
And now he’s not. Now he’s gone. His desk his bare and his chair is empty. His screensaver is a photo of the cast of Will and Grace and I know exactly why he chose it. Every time I looked at his chair, I seriously want to cry. The rest of the day I kept looking around like I had lost my keys or something, because I felt like something was missing….something was out of place…and as I walked out of the door and looked back at his empty space, I felt my hear constrict and I knew what was wrong.
Jack is gone.
No more gay jokes, no more black jokes, no more goat jokes. Golden Girls won’t be the same. It’s bad enough that every time I hear that song it tugs at my heart, but now I have a feeling it will be pretty much unbearable. I brought him balloons and three Care Bears and two cards…one with a letter and some pictures. I walked him out to the elevator like a dutiful ex-hag. I hugged him tight one last time, and I didn’t start crying until he wouldn’t pull away and said he loved me. He got on the elevator and I saw him gasp and sob and the doors closed as I cried out and reached for him one last time. I hate goodbyes. They never, ever get any easier.
Sounds hypocritical, right? For someone who used to bitch about how fucked up he is, it’s funny that I am sitting here with tears in my eyes, devastated at the fact that when I go to work tomorrow, he won’t be sitting there to do something to irritate me or make me laugh.
No more Jack.
It doesn’t matter how angry I might have been with him, or how much I was ignoring him or being irritated by him, under it all, I still loved him. The anger had started to erode a while ago. I had decided it took too much energy to be mad at him and it just caused too much tension at work, and in the end, it wasn’t worth it. It hurts that we just started talking and really joking around not too long ago, because now I regret that it took us so long to just get along again. It’s so fucked up. I know its going to be hard to be there every day without him there, knowing he’ll never be there again. I mean, I’m happy that things are going so well for him and that he’s moving on, but it’s like he said…we’re a dysfunctional family…but we’re family. And he was my family. My annoying gay brother. My nemesis. My co-conspirator. My friend.
I really don’t know how to feel right now. I don’t get why it’s hurting this bad or why I’m crying as much. It’s like I’ve lost a part of me. I never thought it would hurt this bad. I wish we could take all the bad stuff back. I wish we were still as close as we used to be. I wish he didn’t have to go. I wish we were still friends. I wish I didn’t love him so much. I wish the adventures of Thelma and Squishypuss weren’t over.
I wish him the best in everything he endeavors. I wish him happiness and fortune.
I wish him love.
My Jack is gone.
Goodbye Jack.
I’ll love you always.