the missing
June 09, 2004 � 11:58 p.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Rouge skies with acid aqua dreams

I miss Jenny.

She called me yesterday and it was as if she shouldn�t have called at all. We floundered for conversation and I felt so damn bitter as she told me about all the fun things she�s doing�without me. I wish I could tell her about the look Jeannie gave me while I was over there that made me want to shrink into my skin and disappear forever. That why-are-you-here look she gave me when I was fussing over Jenny when she came home from the doctor. Whenever I would say something, she would cut her eyes at me, and every chance she got, she monopolized Jenny�s attention. Like we�re in competition or something. Like I�m after Jenny�or something.

I want to tell her that�s mostly why I don�t want to be around THEM�but I can�t. It would seem like jealousy coming from me. It would seem false.

And if she took Jeannie�s word over mine, it would kill me.

So I say nothing. I have uninvited myself from any possible situation it would cause ALL of us to be together, and since THEY are always together, I guess I am just uninviting myself from Jenny�s life. I feel like the other woman when I�m with them�especially when Jenny waits for Jeannie to leave the room to joke around with me and act stupid like WE used to do ALL of the time. It breaks my heart.

And breaking a heart that�s already broken is just tragic.

So I will be a bitch and distance myself and make it seem like it�s all just me so she won�t feel guilty that our friendship just�ceased. Deceased.

I love her. In ways that I shouldn�t and far more than I should. I love her.

And if being gone will make her relationship easier, then I have to go. She deserves to be happy.

I can at least do my part to make sure she is.

I miss having fun.

I miss going out for nonsensically long drives to nowhere with just a few bucks in my pocket and the radio shaking the whole car while I scream along to the music at the top of my lungs. I miss going out and drinking and being stupid. I miss laughing at people. I miss going to the movies. I do nothing now. I go to work, come home, sleep. That�s all. I don�t even call anyone anymore. Hell�I rarely answer my phone when it rings. I avoid folks at work so I don�t have to talk to them. I am purposely antisocial towards everybody and everything. As much as I miss Satan, I�m not even going to his gig this Friday. I told the J�s so they could go together.

I miss being a part of something.

I miss the times when getting gas in my car didn�t feel like I was getting ass raped with a spiked dildo without any lube. I mean, can it be any more ridiculous?

I miss my sanity.

I am sick of watching RETURN OF THE KING every spare moment I get and still crying every fricking time but at different parts. If I�m not watching that, I�m watching MOULIN ROUGE and still acting surprised at the end. Today, I must have listened to that damn soundtrack (yeah to BMG music!!) like 20 times and getting the shivers during the violin solo on Tango De Roxanne each time. Damn, I love that soundtrack.

I�m back to barely sleeping again, but mainly because it�s hotter than Hades in my fucking room at night. I wake up in the morning in a damn puddle with my hair all sweated and tangled up. And waking up like that in spite of not having mind blowing sex (with Swiz) the night before is.not.fucking.cool.

I miss Swiz.

I miss not being butt crazy in love with Swiz and waiting for his call on pins and needles every other damn Saturday. I wait for him to come, doubting that he will come and dreading the day he really won�t come back. And when he does come, for a brief time I am in Heaven�for days even�then I crash back down to reality, and I know it for what it really is and I cry and cry and cry because loving him as much as I do should be so much easier than this. He comes and he goes, not knowing he is everything to me. He comes and he goes, not caring that he is everything to me. Maybe he just doesn�t realize it. Maybe he�s afraid to realize it. Maybe I�m just giving the asshole far more credit than he deserves. Maybe I�m just in it for the sex and I�m tricking myself into believing that it means more to me. It�s not like I haven�t done THAT before.

I don�t know anything when it comes to dealing with him anymore�except�that I miss him when he�s gone and I want him to leave when he�s here because I love him so much that having him near me physically hurts and knowing that he will leave soon makes me ill. I am I love with a self centered, narcissistic, callous, oblivious, sex fiend�and I really miss the days when I wasn�t.

I miss not being an emotional wreck�wait�when WAS that?

I miss dressing up and flirting and kisses.

I miss being in a relationship.

I miss having someone love me.

I miss the times when being alone didn�t feel so fucking lonely.

I miss Jenny&Thea.

I miss Jenny�

and missing her just makes me miss all the other things a million times more.

Is that co-dependent or what?

I really, really, REALLY hate this.