an insane asshole's psuedo manifesto
November 08, 2003 � 3:36 p.m.

First Entry Today

So last night I fell into a depressed funk and had to suffer it all sober, staring at the walls and gazing at TV while not really seeing or hearing it, only seeing the ghosts of mistakes past and hearing the �me�s� arguing inside�Lover Me, Dreamer Me, Outsider Me, and Just Me were bickering back in forth over the choices I have made and the direction I am taking while I sat there dazed and confused, sometimes nodding or shaking my head in agreement or disapproval as the ghosts danced before me, twisting the blade already sunk deep into my heart.

You know what�s scary? I saner drunk than when I�m sober.

When I�m sober I�m a fucking loon, while drunk or sleep deprived I�m focused and clarified.

Freaky, ain�t it?

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Tonight is Coast night with Jenny and Leenie. I don�t know if Leenie ever called Swiz or asked him to come, but I know either way he won�t be there.

He�s not stupid enough to return to the scene of the crime this soon.

No, I�m the one stupid enough to go to the scene, so I can drink and see our ghosts haunting those stools and hear the words we whispered back and forth echo in my ears so that when I leave with Jenny I can burst into tears all over again and relive that desolate feeling of being the biggest asshole ever born.

Yup. That�s my plans for the night. Getting dressed up and putting on make up to make an ass out of myself at the bar as the drunken tears stream down my face and smear my make up to make me look even MORE pathetic than I already am.

Yuppers�sounds like a plan to me.

I am a fucking idiot.

My life constantly moves from can�t do to can�t don�t and I never seem to learn.

That�s the definition of insanity, you know�doing the same thing over and over again but always expecting different results.

So, yeah�I am clinically insane�

because you know�if by some grace of God he does come and does ask to come home with me, I will let him come, I will let him back inside of me, I will bare my heart and soul and expose my secret self to him again, because deep down inside of me there�s nothing but love�love, love, love�stagnant and brimming�just waiting to be poured out on someone�anyone�even someone so undeserving�

someone who, in spite of his callousness�I love with all my being still.

Yes, I love him�and even if I could have him I know I don�t really want him because the way we came about was too fucked up for either of us to forget or ever really trust each other. It doesn�t matter�I don�t care�I just want to be with him�

I just want to baptize him in my pristine love and forgive his sins�

because I am an insane asshole�

and that�s what we do.