emails from the edge
August 17, 2004 � 1:37 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today's Weather: 1000 different shades of blue

So I have been worrying my brain out over my mom, so instead of writing about it, I will post the other drama that has accosted me as of late.

Jenny wrote me last Saturday, and until today, I hesitated writing her back. I have read her email over and over, flipping between a loving response and a caustic one, but when I read it today, I came to a conclusion without even thinking about. She wrote:

Of course I haven't gotten any of your messages and hadn't missed any calls on my cell phone that I'm aware of. My cell phone offically died about 4 days ago and it was blinking in and out here an there between. I saw your bro at Walmart a week or so ago and asked him what you'd been up to and where ya been hiding. Did he give you my message? i've been working both jobs for the past month and that's pretty much what I've been doing. Working and sleeping and working. And waiting for my pay checks to get 'normal' in the meantime, Ben has still been skipping out on shit. he's up to $460 dollars in bill debt with my plus (like this week for example) he hasn't paid rent so I'm really broke. I haven't seen him to tell him to get his shit out its like he's been hiding. So I've been stressing that out. Today I'm goin to by a new lock and change them so if he wants his stuff he's gotta give me everything he owes me if not...I can try to sell whatever he's got (which isn't much) and make up the difference and spread out. Jen might be able to help me out....and if that doesn't work I'm gonna start looking for another roommate OR pick up more hours at pep boys. Its just really hard. really really hard. I don't know how people do this 2 job thang. I really don't. the days I work at Pep Boys I leave the house at 6am and don't get back until 10pm....all of which is working...straight from one to the next. Its taking a toll of me.

I've missed you! I had no idea what was going on. When I didn;t hear from you I just figured the same thing you did. you were either A. Really busy or B just didn't want to be bothered. You're on my mind alot. And I'm always wondering how you are and when I'll get to see you....if you wanted to. I've got my schedule down to something semi normal now which includes having sundays off for a change. Right now I don't have a cell phone. They are suppose to be sending me one that I should have gotten all ready. In the meantime, I can't make calls from the home phone that are out of my area so I'm kinda stuck. I miss you tons T-bird. I'm gonna call you as soon as I have a means to do it!!!!!

I love you alot girl. :-)

This was after I had wrote her two weeks before about how I had called and emailed but never got any reponses. I wrote this reply, and after staring at it for over an hour, I sent it, and then instantly wanted to take it back. I wrote:

I don't really know what to say...I'm really sorry things are so hard for you right now and that ben is being his usual asshole self. if you talk to him, tell that fucker it's messed up I have to call and beg after him to get all my shit together and give it back to me. he told me he had to find some of the stuff last time I talked to him, so I said fine, get it all together. I have called and called and now he doesn't answer the phone during the day anymore so I cant catch him. tell him im not fucking around, and I don't care where he goes, I will find him and if others have to get involved, they will. I am sick of fucking around with him.

as for us, I, like I said, really don't know what to say without sounding like a bitch or whining, but I know you probably won't answer this anyway, so here it is. last time we talked, I told you how I felt about how you just seemed to cut me off once you had jen and we hadn't gone anywhere ALONE to hang out since you started it and then it was down to not seeing each other and only phone calls and then the phone calls stopped. I called you...several times. on your cell and on the home line. if you didn't get them, then I don't know what happened, but I called. plenty of times. I've emailed, not really expecting you to write back because I know you don't go online much, but I did send stupid emails to you here and there just to let you know I was thinking of you. but you never called me, at home or even at work where it's free, ONCE to check in or see how I was or anything. and so much has happened and all I wanted to do was talk to you or hear your voice or laugh at nothing but I couldn't. I could never reach you. and after awhile I just stopped trying because it wasn't even worth the aggravation I felt when I couldn't get a hold of you. you said you figured I didn't want to be bothered so you didn't call, but why wouldn't I want to hear from you unless you did something fucked up? you ALWAYS do that!! if you think I'm mad or something, you just "not call" thinking that it will all just...I don't know...magically go away or something when it always only makes it worse! you were my best friend, the only person I could really talk to and trusted, and you just abandoned me. yeah, abandoned. no calls, no visits, no emails, nothing. it's like I ceased to exist to you. and I tried to call and make an effort and I told you how I felt like you were pulling away from me, but still, nothing changed and nothing happened, but somehow you thought I didn't want to be bothered? why would I have even said anything to you in the first place? and I know everyone has their own lives and their own problems and shit happens where you can't always call or visit, but come on. we live 20 minutes apart. my work has a free number. hell, you have the damn key to my place.

I'm always wondering how you are and what you've been up to...and cried a few times when I thought about all the fun shit we used to do...but what does that mean? I can say I tried to get in touch with you when I thought about you...but you admitted you didn't try to get in touch with me, and that hurts more than anything.

I took so long answering this because I didn't know what to say or how to say it and even though I wrote this, it's nothing what I mean and none of it came out right but I'm sending it anyway, because it's not likely I'll get any response from you. I took so long answering you because I wanted to think before saying something mean or ignorant, but anything I have to say about this situation is mean or ignorant, so I just wrote it. I took so long to write this incomplete, bullshit letter that says everything and nothing and resolves nothing because I want you to feel as fucked up as I do and I don't care if I made you feel bad or if you're pissed or if you're feeling guilty because you just turned your back on our friendship and left me hanging, so why should I be fucking considerate when you weren't? I took so long answering this because I still love you like crazy and miss you and think about you all the time, and that just makes me feel like a clingy, little stupid bitch and that just pisses me off. I took so long answering this because I have read your email 100 times, and 100 times I've cried, raging from anger to sadness to madness 100 times, because even if I read 100 times more, it still wouldn't change a thing.

I wrote this letter because I don't know what to do and this is all I CAN do to convey just that...that everything is all fucked up and will probably never be the same again.

but who cares..we have our own lives to lead...right?

miserable,

T

p.s. if you are going to sell his shit, please give me a chance to go through it and get my stuff back first. and I'll buy the ps2 and xbox from ya just to spite his stupid ass.

And I felt like a total bitch. T-Bird and Sugs are probably no more and all I wanted to do was cry. Until I found out she has been writing someone she told me was a drama queen and was glad she was done with them on the regular lately. I get no calls or emails, but she can write this person on the regular? And now I'm glad I wrote it, because it wasn't all in my head and I didn't overreact by saying what I did.

Did I?