magenta
March 17, 2004 � 1:37 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Bitchy, barren, and cold

Be forewarned�this is going to be one hell of a childish and bitter entry. Not that that�s anything new�but�just be prepared.

All day I have been having errant thoughts of Swiz. His touch, his smell, his smile, his genius. All day, whenever the earth would be calm and still for a moment, he would haunt me and taunt me�and I would see that condescending look on his face when he told me I didn�t �know nothing� before storming out of my life. How dramatic�storming out of my life. How many times have I said that? How many times have I bitched and whined that he was gone forever and never coming back only to report a few weeks later he came back�and left�yet again? And I thought I was so fucking smart. I thought I was so prepared. I had played out every fucking scenario I could think of in my head and saw the repercussions to each one, but I was never ready for him to make such an ambiguous statement�one left open to thousands of interpretations so that now I am still in the same place I was before, but now he has the upper hand in it all because now he KNOWS I love him. I have no more mystery. No matter how hard we might think something will be, it always ends up being a hundred times harder. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was either going to be with him or without him, and now I am in the same fucked up limbo, but really hating myself for being as stupid to confess love to him�baring my soul to him in hopes he would either return the love or destroy it, and all he managed to do was make me question it�question him�and wonder�wonder, wonder, and wonder�if maybe he really does love me, too�like everyone else seems to think�everyone but me. At least, I didn�t think it before. I know he loves me�but in love? I never imagined. And now�all I do is imagine it�and I can feel me waiting for him inside�I know I am waiting for him�and I know I am a fucking idiot for it�and right now I hate him and myself more than I ever thought possible�him for doing this to me and myself for letting him do it. Why am I always such an asshole for love?

Jenny emailed today. She asked if I was mad at her. I told her I didn�t know�because I don�t know. I don�t know what this feeling is. Hurt? Jealousy? Anger? Depression? What is it? Is it even about her or am I making it about her�because I feel her slipping away�because I feel like she is abandoning me? I pinpointed the start of the rift to right after I slept with Cowboy. She had been pulling away more and more since then. Is she angry at me for fucking him? Disappointed? I don�t know. She writes me like everything is fine, but it never feels fine. Nothing feels right anymore.

I feel like a stalker ex not excepting that she has broken up with me.

Damn it all to hell.

To top off my day, Kye, the love of my childhood�the boy that told me I would be his wife one day when we were kids under the weeping willow tree, is expecting another baby with the woman he tells me he doesn�t want to be with, but tells everyone else he is going to marry. The one whose family has always wanted to embrace me as his wife�his future�is having yet another child with another woman�pushing that delusion further and further from view.

Then there�s Fuzzy. Fuzzy whom was my impromptu prom date, whom my mother adores�whom I would have been with if I hadn�t turned away from him and towards the disaster known as Cowboy�is expecting his first child with some girl he just met not too long ago. This from the guy that didn�t want kids.

This from the guy that was supposed to be pining away for me.

He is having a baby. With someone else.

And I wish them well�I feign happiness for them completely�but inside I am screaming �Why isn�t it me?� With either one of them I would be happy. We know each other so well and move together so gracefully into a perfect groove�how could we not be happy? Yet here it is. I am here alone and they are off with other women�making families�making a future. Here I am stagnant and stuck�miserable and pining for things I can�t have with men that don�t want me. Sad thing is�such a sad confession, I know�that the other night�with Swiz�he came inside of me by mistake, and I held him close and smiled as he laid there on top of me and stupidly thought, �He just gave me a baby. We just made life.� And the next morning he left me broken, and I came on my period, and everything fragmented and scattered. I realized I want HIS baby. Even if he wasn�t going to be with me, for a few moments, I was in Heaven because I thought I could possibly have his baby. How fucking stupid and na�ve is that? Not that I laid there dreaming of a future with him, but a future with a piece of him�a part of him that I would love and would love me back for always. A child that I could honestly say came from love�at least fully on my part. A child to present to my mom so she could spoil it rotten�to love like she could never love me before she leaves this world. I wanted it�craved it�yearned for it. I realized that that�s why I am not bothered when we don�t use anything�why I am both relieved and depressed when my period comes afterwards. I wanted to be the mother of his child.

Now this, will make you pity me and hate me forever.

Saddest part of all�

is that I want that still.

I am here waiting for him.

Still.

I. Fucking. Suck.