like that
July 30, 2004 � 7:26 p.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Clouds of desperation rolling in

It�s odd how I don�t miss something or someone until I realize it�s not within my reach.

__________Like my computer__________

I STILL don�t have my computer, and it�s looking like it will be awhile before I will get it back. It�s just sitting there�all fast and full of memory with a new dvd/cd dual format burner in it�with no operating system. How fucked up is that? How long has it been? A month? Common sense should have told this guy not to wipe my computer clean if he didn�t have the new fucking system to load on it!! I like him and all, and I really do appreciate him doing this for me�but I have been without my computer for too long, and I just got the bill for the net service yesterday. 40 fucking bucks for service leading to nowhere. Dammit!!

__________Like Jenny__________

I don�t miss Jenny until a �Jenny� situation pops up, like me needing parts for my car, or a movie we liked or songs we used to sing, or Satan has a gig, or when I think of the ocean. Those are the only times I really miss her. Besides that, I don�t even think or wonder about her anymore. Darryl said she came up to his job and he saw her with her girlfriend and she spoke to him. He didn�t say she asked after me or anything, but at least she spoke to him. Even that didn�t make me miss her. I didn�t even care. It was like he was talking about someone I don�t really know. How do you go from best friends�soul mates, as she said�to this? To not speaking and barely acknowledging each other�s existence?

I don�t even want to know her anymore.

How does love turn into that?

__________Like a relationship__________

I miss being in a relationship sometimes when I see a couple on the street or when my bed seems bigger and my life seems emptier than usual. Those are the times I wish I had someone to call and come over and hold me and say all the right things...but for the most part, I can live without the drama all that brings. Really...I can.

__________Like my car__________

I have always appreciated my car, but these last few days without her have been hell. Not because I have had to bum rides and degrade myself by begging for mercy over tardiness at work, but because I don�t feel right not having her around. That damn car is a part of me, like a friend that is always there for me. Whenever I�m bummed or pissed or bored, I just hop into my baby and go. And right now I can�t. And it has become blatantly evident that I need to get a new car really soon. I can�t imagine driving another car. Sylvie is my therapist, my confidant. Cowboy broke up with me in that car. Swiz made out (amongst other things) with me in that car�he told me he loved me in that car. She is the first thing I ever bought on my own and paid for all on my own. She was my first piece of property. I love my car. I miss not having her around.

__________Like a baby__________

I was sitting with Trixie cat curled up in my arms last night, and for some reason, she reached her little paw up and touched my face real soft�like a furry little baby�s hand�and tears poured down my face as thought about how bad I want to be a mother. I sat there heartbroken, crying for the child long gone and yearning for the child yet to be. I had gotten into a debate with the Queen about impending motherhood and she admitted that she didn�t want me to have any children because SHE isn�t financially stable to step in and help out if anything happens (like I lose my job or whatever�not death�she got real pissed when I brought up dying). I told her I didn�t need her to have a lot of money, as grandma didn�t have a lot of money, and all I needed from her when I had a baby was to love it and be there for me if I need her to watch the baby for me while I work 2 or 3 jobs to make the ends meet. That�s what my grandma did for her, and that�s all I need her to do for me�just love my baby.

Love my baby.

I had an argument with my mom over something that doesn�t even exist yet.

I have been thinking about motherhood all week�thinking of baby names and which diapers I would use and which baby food I would feed it and how I would dress it and how I would love it�oh how I would just love my baby to bits. Thinking about babies made me think about Swiz, somehow�I guess because he is currently the only potential sperm donor in my life. I could seriously see me having his baby.

How sick is that?

__________Like Swiz__________

I can go days without thinking about him and weeks without missing him, but then something triggers a thought of him and it all comes tumbling down from there. Then I miss him so much that all I can do is think about him and want him and need him and nothing else really matters but him. Right now I need him more than anything and I would give everything just to have him call or come to see me tomorrow, which just solidifies my knowledge that he WON�T be calling or coming this weekend�and I�ll cry and hate him and curse him�and miss him a million times more.

__________Like right now__________

Right now I am missing the moment, and I didn�t even realize it until I wondered about it. Odd, huh?