she knows she loves but just not how
March 10, 2004 � 1:43 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Pensive

So Sunday was like, the best day ever!!

I was woken up at like 6 am by someone climbing into bed next to me and snuggling up to my back. I then felt a hand touch my shoulder and a sweet voice ring out, �Phhea, I up. I tried to turn on the light but the TV turned off and it�s dark out there.� I barely mumble out for him to go back to sleep because it was too early, to which I got the reply of a heavy sigh and the warmth of his body sliding from between my sheets. I turned to look at him, and there he was, standing there with his thumb in his mouth just looking at me�waiting. I waited too. I knew what was coming next. �Can I play the game?� he asked sweetly. I told him no, it was too early, and told him how to turn the TV back on. He went back to the living room and I waited to hear the TV turn back on before I fell back asleep.

An hour later I was woken up again by the sound of The Rock beating the shit out of Mankind. The little minx had gotten Darryl to hook the game up for him when he came home. I laughed out loud and rolled over and went back to sleep.

I finally got up and lazed around with him most of the day, until finally it was time for us to go to the movies. He surprised me by rushing down the steps in front of me and holding the door open. I leaned to kiss him and smiled. I was so happy it was ridiculous.

All the times I have ventured to see �The Return Of The King�, something has always happen to keep me from it, but Sunday everything went off without a hitch, and I got to see the ending of my favorite trilogy with my favorite guy and I don�t see how in the world anything could have been more perfect. He sat next to me, offering me some of his popcorn and his soda, whispering little comments to me about the movie, cuddled up next to my arm. We laughed, we cried, we screamed, we cheered. It was the best date I have had in two damn years.

Now that�s just sad.

Oh how I love that boy!! Love, love, love, love, love him!!

Jenny and I hung out on Friday (I know�I seem to be writing the weekend backwards�sorry) When I first saw her, I didn�t really know what to say. I mean, there she was, my Jenny girl, whom I had barely spoken to in almost a month and hadn�t seen since Vday. I didn�t know what to do. I was so nervous I felt like an idiot, then I was embarrassed because I felt like an idiot, then I was pissed because I was embarrassed.

She came over to me and hugged me the tightest I had ever been held by her, saying how sorry she was, and I wanted to cry. It felt so right and so wrong at the same time. Like I knew her but didn�t really know her. Like all was forgiven�but there was still some kind of grudge.

We sat there talking and watching TV. Sometimes it felt as if the conversation was forced, and other times it just rambled out of us. I don�t recall us really looking at each other though. I mean, I could be wrong, but that�s how I remember it. I remember awkward silences and moments of extreme closeness. I remember at one point, I wanted to reach over and smother her with kisses and two seconds later, wanting to slap her. I still feel like things are off. Maybe we just have to get used to each other again�or maybe it�s just me being an asshole. I mean, I forgive her, sure I forgive her, but I still feel hurt behind it, and the more I try to move past it, the more stuck by it I become.

I love her. I miss her. I think about her all the time. And I always feel awkward when I admit these things to myself. I think I�m doing the same thing with Jenny that I do with guys when they hurt me�pull away. Not because of anything she says or does�but maybe because of all the things she doesn�t say and doesn�t do. I feel myself pulling away from her�systematically shutting down and crawling back into the hole I had lived my life in before she came along. I have always felt that I might love her more than she loves me, and maybe I crowd her too much�that I need to much from her�and now, with everything that�s happened, I feel like maybe I should just give her space. Like I should just slowly fade away until I am nothing to her but a wandering email or errant phone call. Maybe we have just served our purposes in each other�s lives and need to just go our own ways.

Maybe I should just stop being a fucking asshole and get over it before I lose the best friend I ever had.