if you only knew
July 19, 2004 � 7:43 p.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Bloated and bleeding and hating the world

Conversations I have with myself while pretending someone else is there.

With my period:

Damn it! Damn you!! I swear to Jeebus, if I find out that I can�t have kids or something like that, I don�t know how I will get my revenge on you, but I will!! I swear I will!!! I�ll get a freaking hysterectomy�you can�t come and bother me then, can you bitch?!!? I hate you, hate YOU, HATE YOU!!!! Mother fuck!!

With my baby Trixie Cat:

Look here cat, I love you and all, but we are having some SERIOUS space violations. When I am sitting there watching TV, it is ok for you to jump on me and camp out on my breast. I am cool with that, really�but you need to quit putting your ass in my face and shaking your tail up my nose. I am really starting to take it personally. And must you wait until 3 am to want to jump on me while I�m sleeping and attack my hands and feet like some demon cat? I mean, what the fuck? Can�t you tell sleep from awake, you stupid cat? And must you follow me from room to fucking room screaming at the top of your lungs for me to pick you up and then when I do, all you do is jump back down, follow me around, and start to scream if my back is to you for too long? Do we really need this routine? Must you be in the bathroom with me so you can hide behind the toilet and scare me by jumping through the gap between my legs and my underwear? Is it really that fun? And I swear, if you do that thing where you run under my feet and make me trip one more time, you�ll end up a pile of violin string, cat�trust me. I love you, Trixie Cat, but quit fucking pushing it ok?

With my car:

I love you, Sylvie. Don�t die�please don�t die.

With Jenny:

It�s fucked up how you started dissing me when you got a fucking girlfriend. So much for fucking soul mates, huh? I haven�t seen your ass since 5-29 and I haven�t heard from you since 6-19. So much for fucking friendship, huh? Damn�you suck so fucking much and I have never been more disappointed in anyone in my whole life. Was it all a lie? Was I just around to sustain you until you could get some pussy? I never would have thought that of you. I never would have left you like you left me. I would NEVER hurt you like you�ve hurt me�not even now�not even after all you�ve done�or HAVEN�T done, I should say. Sad part is, I don�t even miss you anymore. People say your name and it doesn�t hurt anymore. When someone asks about you, I can shrug and say �Fuck if I know or care.� Without feeling guilty about it anymore.

I just wish I didn�t love your traitorous ass anymore.

You fucking suck, Jenny girl.

So much for fucking forever, huh?

With Swiz

You�what�why�you�shit.

Why do you go away for so long and then come back and fuck me senseless and then stay at my house half of the damn day lying next to me in bed? Why did you do that? Why did you say that it wasn�t the last time you�d be back to see me?

Why do you come back, why do you come back, why do you come back?

I get to the point where you are barely on my mind, and it gets easier to function, and I start to open up to the possibility of finding someone of my own, and then here you come, smiling like the devil and smelling like heaven. The pure taste of sin on my lips haunts me when I lay in bed alone and stare at the spot you occupied for 7 hours in your beauteous slumber and remember the spasms that jolted through me as you pulled me close so our faces were just centimeters apart while you looked all over my face before resting on my eyes and whispering, �Tell me how much you missed this.� Tell you I did indeed, screaming and screeching and pissing off neighbors enough for them to start banging on the walls to our rhythm in hopes of shutting us up.

Just when being over you was a feasible option, you came back�and stayed most of the day, curled next to me sleeping peacefully while I laid there watching you, crying in the light of the dawn. Why do you do this? What do you want of me? Do you love me? Why can�t I be enough? What do you want me to do? What do I want you to do?

Why do you come back, why do you come back�

Why do you always come back and never stay?!?

With Myself:

One day�it will get easier�it has to�it just has to.

You deserve that much�.so just hang on in there.

One day love will come and with it will come forgiveness, peace, and success, and everything will be just fine, girl. You will be just fine.

One day.