huh? what?!?!
March 27, 2004 � 10:10 p.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Antsy and tired

I don�t know what happens to me when I walk through my door every night, but for the past week, as soon as I hit the top of the steps I feel drained. My room is a mess, and every time I go in there and try to straighten it up, I end up sitting on the edge of my bed and staring off into space. I�ve cleaned the kitchen a couple of times, but the living room looks like a damn tornado tore through it, and there�s a strange smell either in the kitchen or the living room again. I hate living this way. I don�t have the fucking energy to go to work all day and then come home and have to clean up after a grown ass man before I can even feel comfortable in MY own apartment. Fuck! August is not coming fast enough!! As soon as he has his own room, things will be different. He can fuck his room up as much as he wants�but my living room getting treated like a messy bedroom needs to stop. Every time I talk to him about it, he says he�ll do better, and he does for a few days, but then he just slips right back into his routine, and I�m too damn tired to keep arguing about it.

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I was surprised last night by a phone call from my girl Giggles!! I haven�t spoken to her in a long time, and hearing her voice was just wonderful! She used to live right down the row from where I live now, and talking to her brought back ALL the old memories about the bad shit we used to do around there. Man�we were relentless!! I met my Adam there. I didn�t really think about it until I was talking to her last night, but I realized that everyday I pass the exact spot where we sat next to each other laughing, and he burst out that he loved me. I passed it today and I just stood there�staring�seeing our ghosts�and tears filled my eyes as I remembered his sweetness, his adorable smile and laugh, and the way he used to look at me. I turned away quickly and raced to my car as if they were chasing. That�s all I need right now, to be haunted my memories of Adam while trying to fight off the longing I have for Swiz. I love Giggles�like a fucking sister�but I have a feeling me living here and us reconnecting is going to cause havoc in my mind. So many things happened when I used to hang out around there, and I never really thought about any of them until last night�until I talked to her and we started reminiscing�and I think it was better before then, before the ghost came out to play�because now everywhere I look around me, there are nothing but faint memories of happiness and bitter regrets.

Like I really need to be haunted by more regrets right now.

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Tonight, I was supposed to go see Satan�s gig, but due to me being fundily impaired, I won�t be able to go. Everything is just so damn expensive in Philly!! Parking, toll, door fee, and drinks�.that�s thirty easy�EASY�and my drinks, I mean maybe two�MAYBE. I feel like shit about it, but Jenny had to pull out too, as we are two broke ass bitches and can�t afford to trek to Philly and be the groupies we were born to be. I�m really upset that I can�t go, but we pinkie swore over the phone that we will go to his next gig no matter what, and since it�s on a Friday and during a pay week, I don�t see anything stopping us!!

Soon, Satan my love�soon�

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I just got off the phone with Ric. The thing with Ric is he�s totally hot and totally emotionally unavailable. He is married, yes�but he�s emotionally unavailable to her too. I don�t know why he stays married. Neither one of them can stand being around the other, and he knows for a fact that she�s cheating because he found condom wrappers in her coat pocket. I know�her coat pocket? Why not throw them out? But whatever. And he did seem disturbed when he found him�but disturbed in a �property� way other than a �husbandly� way. Anyway, he asked me today something I was just waiting for him to ask. About two years ago we had caught up with each other after not seeing each other for about a year. We were supposed to go out for beers, but we ended up getting some beer and getting a room�which I was WAY uncomfortable with, but he was my boy and we did have�a thing for each other long ago�but I didn�t want to fuck him, at all. Well�he got naked and called me over and I went to him, but I wouldn�t do anything to save my life. We slept together (and I mean SLEEP), woke up the next morning, said our good byes, and that was it. I didn�t hear from him for awhile again after that. And I was glad I didn�t sleep with him. But apparently, HE wasn�t. he said I had fucked him up in the head when I did that, and he had never gotten over it. I was shocked�a hoe like Ric was fucked up over ME. Ha�that made my day. I keep hearing him ask me, �Why don�t you want me, Tete?� Ha ha ha!! The bitch in me wants to start something up with Ric for 2 reasons�one�.he knows Swiz. They ain�t boys or nothing, but they hang out from time to time, and even though I know Ric wouldn�t say anything, it would be like a fuck you to Swiz. And two, because he really, REALLY wants me�and I find that fucking attractive as hell. But I know that these are destructive reasons�so I won�t push up on Ric. Plus, he�s my boy and things would get weird. No�no I won�t push the point with Ric and try to start something.

Now�if he were to pursue me�well�

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I just got a call from Leenie. I thought tonight was called off, but she called to let me know she�s going to the Coast, so I gots to get my ass off of here and dressed and out the door.

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Oh� and though he doesn�t read this�

Happy Birthday, Henry!!

God-mommy loves you!!