here i go again
April 12, 2004 � 2:43 a.m.

Second Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Stupid with periods of loss

Well, well, well�

Where do I begin?

Giggles� family screwed her over with money and she didn�t have enough money to cover her rent. Now�I am by no means well off in the money department, but there was no way in hell I was going to hang my girl out to dry, so, I took the money I had and paid her rent. I�m kinda bumming right now, but you know what? I would have spent that money on stupid shit, and she really needed it�and she refused to ask me for it�refused to take it�so I had to just do it and tell her afterward. That�s what I love about her, her strength�and when I saw her, she just seemed so�broken�and I couldn�t handle it�so I fixed her�even if it was momentarily.

Then I went out to the Coast with the girls. I was feeling good and happy when Jenny leans over to me and says she thought she saw Swiz. I was like no way�can�t be�how would he know to come here? Why would he come here? And then there he was, waltzing through the door and scanning the bar like a mad man. I fucking thought my heart would stop. I couldn�t believe he was standing there. I couldn�t believe he came there on a night he had to know we would be there. What the fuck!?!?

When he finally walked up to us after passing us twice, he hugged me and said hi, and I liked to die. All my bravado left me�all the anger and spit and fire was gone�and after he sat near us for like 10 minutes, I told Jenny I wanted to go home and damn near started crying. She said she thought it was a bad idea, but if I really wanted to go, she�d get Sassy and we�d be out. So I relented, and when I looked over and saw he had cornered Jenny and was talking to her, I informed Lennie that I needed a drink�a lot of drinks�and she told me to go on and drink my heart out, that the tab was running. She then saw the tears and told me that I was NOT going to let him run me out of MY place on MY night�that he had came there looking for me (he had told her that much), and if it bothered me that he was there, she would tell him he had to leave.

God�I love my girls!!

So we sat there�not looking at each other�barely speaking�but he was talking to everyone else�especially Sassy�which really put my nose out of joint. Sassy is beautiful and last night Sassy was oozing �sex�, and seeing them so close together and chatting made me want to freaking explode. So instead, I flirt with the other guys there and even�ready for this?....kiss Jenny like three times (no tongue�damn her) and even kiss Sassy once. Why? I have no clue. Something about drinking and being around Jenny turns me into this horn dog and everything about her fascinates me. But anyway�when he wasn�t flirting with my friends, he looked really nervous and out of place, and he would sneak looks over at me, and every time one of my girls leaned in to say something to me about him, he would lean over so he could hear what we were saying. It was kind of cute�in an annoying way. He was all talking to MY friends about what had happened�like he was explaining himself to THEM�not me�and it irked the hell out of me. I floated between wanting to slap him and kiss him�steadily drinking my heart out and doing my best to act like he didn�t exist.

Well, when it was time to go, I walked up to him and said bye�and gave him a hug. I blurted that I was sorry about how things went down last time and he just nodded. Then he asked if it would be okay if he called me sometime, and I said yeah�of course�and he just looked at me like he had so much to say to me�but didn�t�and I just smiled at him and walked away.

Well sometime turned into 20 minutes later (while I was crying in the car to Jenny about how fucked up it all is), with him asking me if he could come over�and I said yeah. I had just got home and naked when he called again and said he was outside my door, and then I heard the door opened and he hung up. Then he was coming through my bedroom door, already taking his clothes off, and I sat there looking at him. He really is beautiful to me. Something about the way his skin shimmers in the darkness�I don�t have a fucking clue.

He stood in front of me, and I asked him�I had to ask him��Why are you here?� He sighed and shook his head and said, �I wish I knew why I can�t explain to you why I�m here.� I nodded and said, �I wish I knew how to explain why I am so glad that you wish you could.� He reached out to me and touched my face.

And then we fucked like minks.

And I am SO sore today�and his smell is all in my hair and I smell him every time I turn my head and it�s driving me crazy. Why can�t we just leave each other the fuck alone? Is it obsession? An addiction? What the fuck is it? It�s like, we can�t be together�but we freak out when we�re apart and then we�re pulled back to each other�like we�re scared to be without the other and just can�t admit it. It seemed like it had been months since I had seen him, but it�s only been about a month. And I�m sorry, but when we�re fucking�it�s like�he can�t get in far enough�like he�s straining to become a permanant part of me�like he can�t get enough of me�and I love it�.the need�the urgency�the primal energy it creates. I think it turns him on more to know that I love him�and that I wait for him�that I need him.

I don�t know what the hell is wrong with us.

Why can�t love just ever be easy for me?