she's gotta have it
July 09, 2004 � 7:54 p.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Sullen with periods of panic

I finally told Cowboy to give me my stuff�again. I called and asked if it was ready for me to pick up, and he was like, �Most of it.� I was like �Most of it?� He then proceeded to tell me some bullshit about the laptop, the cable, SOME of the disks, and some cd�s. I liked to fucking flip OUT. I ran down the list and he was like, �Oh. I thought I gave all that back. I guess I have to dig for it.� Yeah, I fucking guess so. What the fuck is his problem that he has to make something as simple as him giving me MY shit so damn difficult? I feel like I am begging for it! Every time I call there, my stomach gets in these knots and then I am miserable for the rest of the day. I hate talking to him, but I hate BEGGING him for MY shit even more.

HE IS SUCH A FUCKING LITTLE BITCH!!!

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Lola is back, and it�s nice to see her laughing and smiling and stuff. I think we joke around and laugh more now than �before�. It�s great. It�s been weird around the work place. Like kind of intense but lax at the same time. Pretty much, we�re acting like kids with the run of the house until the folks get home. I don�t really care anymore, as I can�t care anymore. I don�t need the stress of worrying whether or not I will have a damn job tomorrow.

That�s what unemployment is for, damn it.

Monkey has been acting like a bit of a dick. Most of the damn time I want to scream at him. He�s always sponging off his responsibilities to do shit that ISN�T his responsibility, and then he acts bitchy with us when we don�t want to do it. I tell him I don�t get paid to do what he does and I don�t have a title to make me care about it and that ticks him off. Ticks HIM off? I�m the asshole that has been here damn near four years without a damn promotion of any kind and HE�S pissed because I don�t want to do HIS work?

Give me a fucking break.

After Lola�s dad died and all this shit started happening around here with the boss brothers getting the boot, I guess Jack felt it OK to talk to me, and I felt to tired to fight it. Are we friends? No. Have we made up? No. Do I trust him? No.

We are just speaking. That�s all there is to it.

I still think that is so sad.

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I had to give Trixie cat a bath the other day to get rid of the fleas, and for like a day, she HATED me. She wouldn�t come anywhere near me. Then, when she finally warmed up to me again, I didn�t have the heart to put her in the cage to sleep, so I let her sleep with me.

BIG mistake. HUGE!!

First, she was restless (because she sleeps all damn day with my brother that HATES her) and she kept jumping all around. Then she was trying to sleep on me, but it was making me way to nervous, so I moved her off of me. We did this dance like 20 times before she caught the hint. She then came and laid on my pillow next to me, with her paw placed on my forehead. Would have been cute if her damn claws weren�t digging into me.

Then, every time I moved, she thought I was awake, so she would jump at my hand like we were playing. After I hid my hand (awww�I miss Jenny�s dog Lady! I always had to hide my hand to get her to leave me alone) she would find the strangest spots to lie down next to me and proceed to claw at the sheets like she was saying, �Wake the fuck up and play with me, bitch!� After I moved her all around the bed, she sat on my headboard and then reached her little paw up and pulled down my glass candle orb, which crashed down on the side of my bed and broke into hundreds of pieces, with some of them bouncing back up onto my bed from the velocity, and I was stabbed in the wrist by a hunk of glass when I leaned to check the damage.

I could have fucking killed her.

I hit her head (hey�I was TOLD TO DO THIS) and said �No�bad cat!!� and tossed her little ass in the cage before I killed her.

Needless to say, I won�t be attempting THAT shit anymore.

Fucking cat!

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Stalker called me yesterday to say he�s coming down this way and wants to seem me.

FUCK!!

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Swiz is being fazed the fuck out. I told him not to bother to call back and that he won�t be getting any more midnight calls from me.

So I did it�I guess. I cried over it�a bit.

And now I can�t stop thinking of him. Now I feel like I love him more. Now I miss him more than ever. Now I feel lonely as hell.

I am such a fucking moron sometimes, I swear.

Why is something appealing to me only when I can�t have it?