Haunted
April 09, 2004 � 1:40 a.m.

Somewhere in the world, a boy wakes up�

�and he bolts upright in bed, gasping for air and frantically reaching over and groping in the darkness for her�but she�s not there. Disoriented, he looks in that direction, trying hard to calm himself as an even bigger panic hits him when he sees that side of the bed empty and the pillows unmoved. Crestfallen, he turns away from her side and lifts his hands up to palm his face. No�she�s not there. No�she�ll never be there again. No�the nightmares will never, ever leave you, he thinks.

With shaky hands, he reached over and plucked a cigarette from the pack, expertly tossed it into his mouth, and cocked his head to the side and lit it.

Another nightmare, baby?

�Yeah�another one,� he answered.

Was it a bad one?

�Yeah�it was bad. Really bad�� He looked over and saw her as she used to be in the middle of the night after he�d wake her up�her hair tousled, her skin soft and glowy looking, her eyes bright and unfocused, her nipples erect under her tank top that drooped off of one shoulder�in a word, she was sexy�crusty, sleepy, and confused�she was still beautiful�the most beautiful thing his eyes did see. The memory sat up and waved him over. Tell me about it, baby. He leaned over and placed his head on her lap, and he felt her arms cradling his head and her fingers smoothing over his hair. He felt as if he would cry.

�I dreamt that I died and no one came to my funeral except for ex girlfriends. They were all crying and hysterical and shit, and you were there�sitting way in the back, but you were calm. You sat there still, with your head held high, and not a tear in your eyes. The pastor got up and gave the eulogy. He said if there was just one in the crowd that loved me�truly loved me�that their love could bring me back. Suddenly, they all stopped crying and just sat there, but now they were facing the back of the church�they weren�t facing the casket. You stood up, and slowly came to the front of the church. You put your hands on the casket and looked down at me and said, �I loved him. I loved him with all my heart.� And I woke up and smiled at you and you smiled back�but then you slammed the lid down and kicked me into a hole and stood on the side as they shoveled the dirt in. I was screaming and clawing at the casket�begging you to tell them I was alive�but you just stood there�smiling and crying crazily�screaming you loved me. �I love you!� you screamed, �I loved you most of all!� And I was in the coffin crying�struggling�yelling to you I was sorry and loved you, too��I�m so sorry, baby!! I love you, too!! I have always loved you! I�m sorry�I�m so sorry!� And then the dirt starting falling through the top of the coffin and on top of me and into my mouth, and then�I woke up. Weird, huh?� He looked up into her pretty face hovering above him, her eyes cruel and her mouth twisted into a snarl. Ever wonder why your nightmares are always about me�my LOVE? she hissed and he pulled up and away from �her�, planting his feet on the cold floor, and sucking hard on his cigarette.

He looked over at the mirror across from him, and she was suddenly sitting next to him again, her arm on his knee linked through his, her chin on his shoulder and her lips close to his ear. I love you, you know? As long as you want me here, I know that I will be here loving you till the day I die, she whispered. Tears filmed his eyes as he mumbled, �Liar! Traitor!� but he was saying it to his reflection, not to her. He thought of her face�her pretty, sweet face�and the tears slid down his cheeks. He heard her laughter, saw her smile�remembering all of the little private jokes they shared in his tiny room. He smiled through his silent tears as he thought of the good times, how wonderful she was to him, how she lit up the room when she walked in, how she would purr when he held her close�he thought of how she loved him completely�and then he hung his head down in shame. You told me you loved me, she cried out, no longer at his side but now standing across the room with her bag on her shoulder and tears streaming down her face. He watched as she tried to gather her decorum and dignity about her, but she couldn�t stop shaking. Yes�that last day he saw her�those last moments�she was a broken echo of the woman she usually was�and it was his fault�all his fault. You are a liar�a cheat�a user! You used me! You never loved me! You lied to me time and time again, and I turned my life upside down for you�turned myself inside out for you�and it�s not enough. Nothing is ever enough for you. I am not good enough for you. How could you do this to me? Why would you do this to me? Why? Her lips trembled and her breasts rose and fell rapidly as she gulped back her sobs. He remembered how at that moment, all he wanted to do was strip her down and fuck the shit out her one last time before sending her on her way. Sex was definitely her thing�no one had ever been able to keep up with him or do things to excite him like she did�and he thought of her little moans and the way she would clutch at him and urge him on, he grew hard and groaned in agony. He looked over at the memory that stood there anguished�broken and destroyed�crying hard as she looked at him imploringly, and to his horror, he heard the echo of his long ago, toneless reply, �It�s just over. I can�t do this anymore. I need to get myself together�worry about myself for awhile without you nagging me and begging for attention all the time. I love you, you know I do�but love�just isn�t enough.� Oh, the look on her face then�the rage�the betrayal�the destruction. All his life�he will never forget that look on her face, or the way she shook her head at him and hissed calmly, Fuck you, asshole. I don�t EVER want to fucking see you again. Hear me? Ever!!

Suddenly�he needed to hear her voice�her REAL voice and not the one plaguing his life. He stubbed out his cigarette and lit another before reaching for his phone. He paused for a minute, as he always does before he makes these frantic calls to her in the middle of the night, trying to reign himself him instead of running away with his crazy impulse again�but he saw her there, kneeling in front of him and grinning at him mischievously as she nodded slowly, her eyes adoringly scanning his face�and he hit the speed dial number he had saved into his phone�with the block code already in it so she wouldn�t see where the call was coming from. It rang once�it rang twice�it rang three times�

�Mmmmm�hello?� her voice caressed his ear�her sexy half-sleep voice�the same voice that would coax him into making love to her in the middle of the night�and to his chagrin, his dick became so hard he thought it would explode. He reached into his shorts and stroked it as he looked down at her and listened to her breathing on the phone. �Hello?� she asked again, this time her voice a bit stronger and more lucid. He breathed raggedly as he thought of her sprawled beneath him, her legs wrapped around him and her head shoved back into the pillows as she arched her back to pull him deeper. Ashamed, he stroked his member harder, eyes closed as he listened to her breathing�brain clouded and tongue tied, he tried to form the words�tried to tell her it was him and he was sorry and he loved her more than anything�oh how he loved her��Hello? Who IS this?� she said, annoyed now, and he thought of her angry, pouty lips when they would argue, of how her eyes would shine and her cheeks would be flushed�flushed like they would be when they were fucking�damn�the feel of her�the smell of her�she was everywhere around him and nowhere near him all at once. �Fuck this�� he heard her mumble before the line went dead. He sat there and kept stroking, the cigarette hanging from his lip and the phone clasped to his ear and he worked himself up as he looked down at her, and stupidly he reached for her, and his hand went through her arm, and she smiled at him then�her eyes twinkling merrily�and then she was laughing at him�full throated laughter with her head thrown back and her finger pointing in his face. He stopped stroking himself and stared at her incredulously. He closed his eyes and grasped his cigarette, hanging his head as she laughed at him while the phone beeped loudly in his ear. �FUCK!!� he screamed as he slammed the phone down. Why is this happening to him? Why is he doing this? Why won�t she just leave him alone? Why�did he ever fucking leave her? The tears came again and his shoulders shook as he sobbed�tears of regret and shame for what he had done to her�for how he had so callously wounded her and threw her away�for how he had let lust and fear trick him away from her�from happiness�tears for the man that he only ever was while with her�the man he will never be again.

She was silent now, leaning against the wall, smoking, and looking at him sadly. He shook his head at her. Why did you do this to us, baby? she choked out. He shrugged his shoulders. �I�m an idiot, lady. I�I�was afraid. I was so happy with you, but I was always so afraid that one day you�d be gone�so I left you before you could leave me. And I hurt you so bad�I am so sorry for hurting you so bad�for being such an asshole�for throwing our chances away�for not trusting you�for not trusting myself enough to be good enough for you�baby�I am�so�sorry�� he finished�exhausted and broken�stupid and sullied�the greatest fool of them all. She nodded. He nodded back at her and laid back down, curling up on his side and taking a pull from his cigarette, lost in a reverie of memories.

Somewhere in the world, a boy tries to go back to sleep�

�and drowsily he pulls her closer as she curls up behind him and wraps her arms around him. �I love you, you know? I will always love you,� he whispers sleepily. Love�just isn�t enough, she whispers back as he finally drifts back into his tortured dreams of her.