what is happiness to you?
March 07, 2004 � 2:16 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Early nervousness that turned into complete bliss

I was a nervous wreck earlier today.

I couldn�t concentrate or focus on anything. I tried to clean the house, but couldn�t get anything accomplished. All I could think about was later�when I would see him and hold him in my arms�my baby�my first love.

I went to the store and tried to get some shopping done so I could fix us a special dinner, but I got so frustrated in the store that I just left the cart down an aisle and walked out. I went to go get some movies and video games for us to occupy ourselves with, because the weather had turned a bit harsh out, and I figured we would just sequester ourselves inside and veg out for the night.

I came home and tried to clean once again, but was completely distracted, as the time was getting close that I would see him, and I was worried about how he would react when he saw me. I fussed with my hair and then took it down and just threw on a bandana. I tried to clean but ended up just moving the mess around to give the illusion of clean. Round and round I went, flighty and nervous and ditzy�sick from anticipation�until I looked at the clock and realized it was time.

On the drive over, I got so nervous my hands were shaking! You would think it was a first date! I pulled up in front of the house, checked my face in the mirror, got out and knocked on the door. I heard a commotion inside and then a rumbling down the steps and then it happened. The door opened. And there he was, smiling big, out of breath and blushing, singing my name. We stood there a moment, staring at one another, and then he just burst forward and wrapped his arms around me, crushing me to him with all his might.

My baby. My Godson. My first love.

Henry sat in the car, looking so grown and so much like the baby he used to be all at the same time�rambling on and on about school and his friends and his little �girlfriend� (which I an definitely looking into), his mom, his sisters�his life. All that I have missed in almost a year, he caught me up to speed in three minutes, smiling at me and reaching over to pat my leg.

We got over to my place and ordered the pizza and sat down to watch �The Two Towers� because I am taking him to see �Return Of The King� tomorrow and he had missed part two. Around 11:00, he leaned over and laid against me, wrapping his arm around my leg with his head snuggled against my hip. I looked down at him and started to cry. There he was, my little boy, all long and lanky and adorable, snuggled up next to me as he grinned and sighed while dreaming. I started to think about the first time I saw him�the first time I held him in my arms�the first time I truly felt what it was to really love someone. I held him close, reveling in that new baby smell, memorizing every little detail about his little baby body. He had stopped crying as soon as I took him from his exhausted mother. I looked him over from head to toe and when I got back to his face, he was snuggled there in my arms and just staring at me. I reached and beeped his nose, and as I pulled my finger back, he reached up with tiny little hand and grasped my finger. I smiled down at him and blew in his face. He scrunched up his nose and closed his eyes, and when he opened them again he looked right in my face and smiled. And that was it. It was over. I was totally in love.

We sat there like that for hours, me holding him close while thinking of all the cute things he�s done, reliving his childhood, musing over his cuteness and sweetness, thinking about his future�love, loving, loving him�inhaling and exhaling love so deep my lungs almost burst. Looking down at him�beauty, beautiful, my beautiful boy. My life, my air, my all.

He is sleeping quietly on the couch�so peaceful that his peace has captured me and I actually feel sleepy�like it is the end of a really long day�a really long life.

I am so happy right now. I just can not explain it or express it.

He is here.

Sleeping quietly.

Breathing love into my room�my life.

My baby. My godson. My first love.

The true love of my life.

He is my happiness.

He is here.

And now, I can finally get some rest.