and this is...good...?!?!
August 19, 2004 � 2:16 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Bloody fucking awful

So, over the hump, and I got a few things said to me today or happened to me, and all I could think was, �And this is good?� Let�s start with the obvious�

Jenny wrote me last week and I finally wrote her back, unloading all the shit I have been carrying inside for the past couple of months�well�since March actually. I wrote her and said things that I know are going to make her feel like shit because I feel like shit and fucking A�misery loves company. So yeah, it�s all off my chest and I can just walk away from it all without it hurting so much all of the time. Our friendship is more or less over. And this is a good thing?

*

I get paid tomorrow. Actually, the money is in my account as we speak! Woo hoo!! Now I can pay all my bills and buy some food and�put some money on my lay away�and�and�start looking around for a bed�and�and�and I�ll be broke by Friday�but�my bills will all be paid. But this is�good�?

*

I got my period. Woo�hoo�? Why does getting my period relieve and depress me so much at the same time? Is it the baby blues or PMS?

*

I haven�t heard anything from Swiz and I haven�t been thinking of him as much. Now this IS a good thing�.right?

*

I have picked out all of the things that I want for my new place. I have already spent up my extra paycheck that I am getting next month. How is that good?

*

I�m too tired and PMS�y too watch porn. I know there�s some good in there somewhere, but I can�t figure it out.

*

The Queen went to the doctor. They told her that the mass in her sinuses has been there for years and they see no need to go in a check it out because it might make things worse. Even more, they�ve figured out why she keeps going numb. It�s not a stroke�really. She has had this disorder all her life. It�s called hemiplegia. It has stroke like symptoms, but it is treatable. They also said she could black out and just wake up numb or go numb from time to time without warning. She told me all this in a cheery voice and all I could think was �How the fuck is any of that a good thing?�

I don�t know. Maybe everything is getting amplified because I�m riding the crimson wave (so vulgar, I know), but I am feeling so damn overwhelmed right now. My mind is constantly spinning with thoughts of abandonment and death, and when I talk to people, they all say, �Well that�s good, right?� and all I can wonder is how is any of this shit good? Where is the bright side when all of it is darkness? Not that my life is all bleak and dismal�not by a long shot.

Why just tonight, on my way home, a guy called me goldilocks in the 7-11, and then asked me if I wanted to see if he was too big, too small, or just right

Well hey, that�s always a good thing.

Right?