generations
March 03, 2004 � 1:57 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Calm�with an underlying storm

I went and saw my parents this weekend on my own, which is a big thing for me because I hate driving down there alone. My mom was so happy I came, though. It was weird. She made me breakfast and chicken and dumplings to bring home for lunch, and kept fussing over me. She wanted to take me out shopping but I wasn�t dressed (which was a good thing because she didn�t have the money for it anyway).

As I sat there looking at her, I had an alarming thought, though.

She�s beginning to look and act a lot like my grandmother�which in short means�she�s getting old. Which means�she�s not going to always be here.

The older she gets, the more health problems she has, and I watched her hobble around the house because her knees and back were hurting her. I sat there, looking at her�wanting to hug her and tell her I love her and that made me want to cry�because�one day she will die. One day, she will be gone and I dread that day with so much terror, it wakes me up at night. I can�t imagine my life without her in it to piss me off, bother and nag me�to love me. And I realized, that as much anger and resentment I sometimes feel towards her, I love her a million times more than that�admire her a million times more than that�and I don�t think she will ever know it.

She�ll never know it because there will always be this barrier between us that keeps us from letting our guards down. Some underlying resentment towards each other, because we both see the greatness in each other�a greatness that we can�t touch in each other�a greatness that everyone else can touch but us�and it will always keep us separated.

I am scared that she will leave this world and I will be lost in my love and resentment for her, like she was when grandma died. I don�t want us to be like that. I pray that I go first just so I won�t have to live like that�with that regret�that emptiness�that anger.

I sat there looking at her, my mother, and she was once again that beautiful woman I used to so adore before I was old enough to get tangled up in all this emotional bullshit�before the hurt so outweighed the love that all I wanted to do was be as far away from her as possible. The hurt is still here�but I am trying my damndest to bury it and forget about it, and move onto just loving her completely�flaws and all, and find the peace I am so seeking and needing to have to be settled in my life.

I hugged her goodbye, and she squoze me so tight�I didn�t want to leave.

She stood at the doorway, so small and lovely, watching me pull out with a worried look on her face as she waved and yelled for me to call her when I got home.

She stood there and I drove off, watching her get smaller and smaller in my mirror, and she didn�t go back in until I pulled out of her development. I watched her turn and shut the door, and that�s when the anxiety came back and the tears ran down my cheeks as I sang along to the oldies on the radio on my long drive home through the darkness, thinking of her, of my grandmother, and of me�of how we are all stubborn and opinionated and strong�of how we all admire and resent each other like it is in our blood do to so�something passed down from grandmother to mother, from mother to daughter�something that creates this greatness in us that we resent so damn much�

because everyone else in the entire world can touch it and appreciate it�

everyone else but us...

and we should be the only ones capable of doing it.