faking the funk
August 03, 2004 � 9:26 p.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Bleak with sullen skies

The Queen had to go into the hospital for reasons unknown, possibly another stroke, and Sunday we had to trek on down there to see her. She always looks so small when she is in a hospital bed. Shrinking, weak, and sad. They had given her this drug that basically had her zooming and like falling asleep and waking up without realizing she had been asleep for 10 minutes.

It was kind of scary.

I sat there looking at her, and she looked just like a light skinned version of grandma�dozing off, incoherent, disoriented, sweet, old, and sad�most of all sad. Most of the time I had to keep from crying because she just seems to get worse and worse and refuses to do the right things to help her get better.

One day she will go to the hospital or go to sleep and I will never hear her voice again.

I don�t want to say anything else about that right now. I�m already crying just thinking about it.

Moving on�.

Saturday, and please excuse the way I am jumping around�my mind is a bit disheveled at the moment, I came into work and went to the mall with Lola to Hot Topic.

I have a new obsession.

They have shit loads of fairy things and most of all, they have H.I.M. posters and Tinker bell items. I�m going back this Saturday to get the Tinker bell shoulder book bag and some fairy stickers and such. I LOVE that place. LOVE.IT.

So, Saturday night I went to the Coast, and I was having a good time�though Fred got into a debate with me over why I don�t like to dance. He said I was beautiful and can really dance and I should just get my big ass out there and shake what my momma gave me like there�s no tomorrow. That was so sweet of him to say, and he meant it�I could tell he meant it�so I promised to get on out there and dance at least once every time we go out.

Yeah�I�m going to plead drunk on that one and get out of it. Me dance? You kidding?!!?

Leenie had came over and said something about Swiz, which got me saying how I know she thinks he really has �a thang� for me and all, (she swears he�s in love with me), but I don�t think he gives a fuck and I really need to just give up on it. She said she wanted to invite him out with us next time so he could meet her new man and to let him know we are all cool and she doesn�t �know anything� about what�s going on with us. I told her it was a waste of time and that he would never come up here after what happened last time.

As soon as I say this�the words are still on the air mind you�she says, �Isn�t that Swiz over there?� I look in the direction she spoke of and was stunned. I couldn�t see his face, but I�d know him anywhere, just from the feeling I get in my chest when he�s near.

She went over to see and sure enough, it was him. He said how he had walked past looking for us and didn�t see us. He came right over to me and stood with his arm around me and introduced me to his friends, and Leenie just smiled and stuck her tongue at me and I blushed and shrugged her off. He always does this�so what?

He sat near me, smiling at me and touching my ear, and I pressed my luck by asking him to come over to me.

Without question, he did.

I asked him to stay there with me, and he leaned into me, his face in my neck and his arms around me and he kept asking, �Like this?� He said he felt bad for leaning into me and I said I didn�t mind�I like him leaning into me, and he smiled and said �Really?� and I nodded. He stood there longer, sorta sitting on my lap and leaning back against me while I had my arm around him with my hand wandering between his hip and his groin and he said nothing. In fact, he moved closer.

Dude�I was fucking loving it!!

Later, we were talking and Leenie reached over and touched his side and he giggled and pulled away and she teased him about being ticklish, and I said, �Oh�he ticklish, huh?� and reached over to touch him, and he said�plain as day in front of everybody��Oh...you KNOW I�m ticklish�especially there. Don�t play cute.� And surprised, I asked how would I know that he was ticklish there, and he made a face at me and said, �Come on now�you know how you know.� My mouth fell open and his boys made �oooh� noises and he just sat there smirking at me. What the fuck?

So I asked him to come over to my place afterwards. He said he would try, but he had to drive boy all the way to Willingboro and he WAS tipsy, so he couldn�t guarantee. I pouted and he smiled and said he would really try. I asked him to just stand there with me then, since I might not be able to be near him later�and he did. He just sat there with me like it was nothing.

When we were leaving, I asked him for a hug, so he hugged me real tight as I asked him again if he was coming. He said for me to call. I said really and he said really. For a second I thought he was going to kiss me, but I pulled away and got into my car.

I must have said �What the fuck?!!?� at least a thousand times that night. I mean, every time I did something he would usually flip out over, he just did it. He was sweet and loving and complacent and�he seemed to be�showing us off. Like he was saying, �Yeah�you all know it�she�s mine.� Leenie said my whole being lit up when I saw him, and I just beamed the rest of the night. She said I looked so happy with him, and he would stare at me when I wasn�t looking.

I called him when I got home, but he never answered, so I figured nothing was new and went to sleep pissed off and disappointed because I wasn�t getting any dick this week, but still thrilled and touched that he had remembered it was our week to be up there and came up there to see us�see me.

Sunday night, I missed a call and when I opened my phone, MISSED HEARTBREAKER was on my screen. I sat there staring at it for like 10 minutes. He called me�on a Sunday? He called me? What?

I called him back, my heart sinking deeper with every ring because sure enough, his voice mail picked up. I just said I was retuning his call and if he wanted to call me he could, if not, I�d talk to him another time.

He fucking called me back in like 5 minutes.

Ten minutes after we talked, I was racing around the apartment getting ready for him. I put on some PRINCE and laid down in the bed, and just as I finished smoking, he was coming through my door.

He came right over and sat on the edge of my bed. We said hi, and he leaned back and turned so he could lay across me, his head on my hip, his hand on the back of my thigh, and my hand placed across his lap. He sat there like that for a few minutes, before standing, getting undressed, and sliding in next to me.

He wasn�t hard, which was surprising, because usually, as soon as he lays down, he�s ready to go. It only took a few touches to get him moaning, and my ego soared.

I won�t go too into detail�because some things just need to stay just mine�but I can say these things.

We were having a lag moment, and I asked him to just stay there inside of me�without moving�just being there. He did. We laid there like that for at least 10 minutes, with arms around me and me cradling him against my breast while rubbing his back. It was so fucking precious I cried while laying there, wondering why he was choosing now to be so�intimate, and before I could filter it, I asked him if he really liked coming to see me, or if he just does it when there�s no one else to call. �I really like coming here to see you,� he said as he started to rub my side. I don�t think either one of us wanted to move, so we didn�t, until he became hard again (which felt weird in there) and pulled out so we could get started again.

At this point, he wanted me to talk to him, and I said no�so he made me talk to him (which I LOVE) and you know what? I told him nobody fucks me like him, the pussy is his, and I am his bitch.

I told him I was his bitch.

And we had the best sex we have ever had.

::Side Note:: Multiple orgasms�VERY good thing.

He actually came. He doesn�t usually�at least not as noticeably�not when he�s in me. He had to pull out and do his thing and I laid there shocked as shit and grinning. I love it when he comes. I feel like I accomplish something great. So we laid there, and I traced the lines of his palm with my finger and he moaned and drifted to sleep. I let him lay there a few minutes before reaching out and asking him if he was going to leave because he had to work in the morning or was he going to lay down a few minutes.

He said he wanted to stay.

So we fixed the bed and he laid in the middle of the bed so I had no choice but to crawl in behind him and curl up next to him. I tried waking him up a few times so he could go home, but he just finally told me he didn�t have to be in until 10:30, at which point I told him the clock was an hour fast and turned around and tried to sleep.

But of course�I couldn�t REALLY sleep. My mind was all over the place. It was too much having him there, staying the night AGAIN�sleeping curled up next to me. He never put his arms around me, but he did adjust himself so I could hold him. When my back was to him, he would partially lay on me, and at one point, I heard him say �fuck this� and turn towards me, put is head on the back of my shoulder and get as close to me as possible with his arm down my side without ACTUALLY putting his arm around me. I laid there a bit, wondering what the fuck that was all about, then just asked him if he was cold. He told me he wasn�t, so that shot that theory to shit. I got up, put on a tank top, got my blanket out of the living room and came and put it on the bed because I WAS cold. He moved so I could lay down, and as soon as I did, he was right back next to me, and I put my arm around him, kissed his shoulder, and went to sleep.

I woke up around 7 to him pulling on his clothes. He didn�t know I was awake, but he reached over and touched my leg before leaving.

I have not been the same since.

My mind will not stay still.

What�if anything�does all this mean?

The only conclusion I came to is that I need to stop faking the funk like I could actually just leave this nigga. He is too much a part of me, and every time I say I can�t do it anymore and try to step, he does something that pulls me right back in. I�m not going anywhere. Scorn me if you will, but at least I know my weaknesses. And he is my worst one. Either he will leave me or hurt me or I will just wake up one day and be done with it all, but until then, I�m stuck.

I love him.

I am his bitch.

At least now�he knows that much.