freak girl
November 20, 2003 � 9:11 p.m.

Second Entry Today

Ever look at someone you�ve known for a while and for some reason, you feel like you are seeing that person for the first time?

As stupid as it might sound, that�s how I feel sometimes when I look at Jenny Girl.

Sometimes I look at her and feel like I don�t really know her at all, while most times I marvel at how well we know each other�without words, without gestures�we read each other, feel each other as if we share the same skin.

Cosmically, we are one.

I was with Jenny Girl and Sassy last night to go see Elf, and there was one moment when we were standing outside in the rain talking before I drove home, when she struck me as insanely beautiful standing there in her hoodie with her glasses splattered with raindrops and her hands shoved into her pockets as she shivered slightly from the wind�the same Jenny I had seen hundreds of times half naked and dressed, messy and jiggy, strong and bold or timid and reclusive�Jenny�my Jenny Girl that saved me from the demons, who knew me better than anyone in such a short period of time, was a total stranger standing in front of me, and a terrifying realization dawned on me.

I have a crush on her.

This is nothing new to me. I always have crushes, particularly on my friends, and peculiarly on most of my girl friends. I say they are crushes because it seems to go so much deeper than understanding and admiring someone�it�s a yearning to know that person�to be with that person�to let that person know you�it�s an overwhelming desire to do everything in your power to have that person love you.

And last night, looking at her, I had an overpowering feeling of admiration for her�a completely engrossing sense of love�and all I wanted to do was grab her and hold her and smother her face with kisses and tell her I loved her, I loved her, I loved her�and thank her perfusly for saving me and being my best friend�thank her till my last breath for unconditionally loving me.

I stood there blushing and peeking at her, sure she could read my thoughts and notice the change in my stance�sure and scared shitless she would sense my adoration and shun me and my perverse love forever. Then I slowly relaxed, knowing she wouldn�t think my crush perverse since she is a lesbian�but then the idea that it could just freak her out came in, and then I was petrified again.

*Damn me for being the Tin Man.

See, my love has some kind of adverse reaction on folks. They are wonderful until they know that I love them and need them, and then they turn into total assholes that make a living out of taking advantage of me. They take my love and warp and twist it into fear and submission, and I end up being a sort of chattel to them, bonded and chained to them by my love�dominated by them through my admiration. But Jenny Girl is different�meaning this feeling inside is different�meaning I always need to talk to her and make her laugh and see her face and hear her voice�meaning she completely fascinates and astounds and perplexes and intimidates me�meaning I would do anything, say anything, be anything, get anything in my power for her�meaning I feel �off� when I don�t see or talk to her�meaning I feel totally safe when with her�meaning�meaning�I love her copiously�and the thought of life without her makes me want to die�

and the thought of her finding out about this love scares me a billion times more than death�

because if she turns on me like the others did, or if she ceases to love me and rejects me, it would be a living death that I would endure over and over again with no hope of redemption and no hope of salvation, because she is a part of me and if she can�t love me�

then why or how the fuck could I deem to love myself?

Fucked up part is�

by writing this here, where she could possibly see it, I might have just made my worst nightmare come true�but by writing it here, I made it true to myself.

I guess even the Lion has it�s moments of valor�no matter how stupid or what repercussions might follow.

I am a such a fucking freak.

*Tin Man reference from Eight-9-3�s �Have you got a problem?� entry.