fold into nothingness
October 08, 2003 � 7:08 p.m.

First Entry Today

Mood-Pissed the fuck off

All Is Full Of Love-Bjork

"Being black ain't bad, but it sure is inconvenient at times."-The Josephine Baker Story

Recurring thought-I hate this place, I hate THIS PLACE, I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!

A classic "What the fuck?!?!" moment-I woke up this morning and my OTHER brother was ALSO crashed in the living room. I asked him where he had been staying and I found out he has been staying at the studio or crashing from house to house. Before I could stop myself or filter it, I offered him to come stay at my place when he needs to.

My small ass, 1 bedroom, turn around and bump into yourself, no food, smelly ass apartment.

And why?

Because I am a super smacked ass that loves my brother's way too fucking much for my own good.

Shit.

********************************************************

I feel like my life is trying to implode on me...to fold and fold and fold until it vanishes like a magic trick I saw once when I was young. I feel so helpless and consumed and angry all at the same time. I want to mame, I want to heal, I want die, I want to fly.

I want, I want, I want, I want.

How come what you want never coincides with what you need? What kind of fucked up cosmic joke is that?

Man...God really needs a hobby, besides me.

I woke up this morning, late as usual, and when I went to run into the kitchen and grab my lunch, a large ball of hair called my name and scared the shit out of me. It was Charlie, my youngest brother. I asked him how he was doing while I rushed around and got my shit together, and he informed me that he had been staying at the studio or staying at this house or that, and I stopped dead in my tracks and took a good look at him. He looked horrible. Like he was uncomfortable in his skin. Like life was just stomping a mud hole in his ass big time. He looked so tired and weary and beat down tears came to my eyes. I told him even though it was crowded he could come and stay at my place whenever he needed to. He looked embarrassed but gave me a small smile and thanked me. I blew him a kiss and ran down the stairs and out the door like the hounds of hell were chasing me so he wouldn't see my tears. My poor little Charlie...always lost...always hurting...always done in by his own hands.

Cry, cry, cry for the little boy that was once my confidant and shadow...until it wasn't "cool" to be hanging around the girl that wasn't his "real sister", or so fake ass "real brothers" told him to poison his heart against me and open it towards them so they could chew up his inheritance and spit him out when the taste of money was gone. Where are they now? Who cares about you now? Who looks out for you and worries and sheds tears and offers shelter that is barely available?

I do, Charlie...the "fake sister" that has always loved you most...

*sigh*

I know it will be tight, but I have no choice. I will not let my brothers sleep on the fucking streets...even if it would be a good lesson for them and maybe get their asses in gear so they can learn how to live and survive on their own...I can't do it to them. I promised I would always look out for them and be there for them.

And I always keep my promises...no matter what....

so fuck me.

***I WANT to just be free of it all***

but

***I NEED to be responsible right now***.

_______________F_O_L_D_________________________

I am really starting to hate my job. All they fucking do is take, take, take and never give anything back in return. No praise, no thanks, no raise, no breaks....nothing. For being good at my job and for being quick and efficient at cutting down others' workload, I get rewarded with **TA DAAAA!!** more fucking work!!

Let's totally overlook the fact that you are just in a lag until the specs get fixed, Thea. Let's just disregard the fact that you are skilled enough to do your job AND pick up everyone else's slack AND not fuck up at either one, Thea, while everyone else is backed up and falling behind. We don't have time to thank you for your work and dedication...no...we need to discuss all of your downtime lately and the fact that we don't think you have any work to do. Let's just say that we don't think you really DO anything all day but surf the web. We know everyone here surfs, but we're talking about you right now. What do you think we need to do?

Which is a fucking trick question in itself. I have offered time and again to take on more responsibilities, but I am always rebuffed. Now that Jack has an assistant, his duties seem to be lacking since he seems to be surfing even more than I am, but I am the lagger...I am the one that needs to help out and pick up the slack...yet when I was the one that was fucking drowning with all the work I had to do, not once did I get any help. NOT FUCKING ONCE. But Jack gets swamped and they fucking hire someone to help HIM out? They give me all these new responsibilities of a manager, but they won't give me a raise? They won't even give me a fucking empty title? What the fuck is that? Can I get a little recognition over here please?!?!!?

I feel like I'm trapped in a fucking Skinner box. Two shocks for doing good and one when I fuck up.

Here's your report done like you asked, Monkey.

{{{{BUZZZZZZZZZ....BUZZZZZZZZZ}}}}

WELL FUCK YOU TOO!!!

***I WANT recognition and appreciation for what I do***

but

***I NEED to just get up off my ass and find another job***

_______________F_O_L_D_________________________

Not too long after I met Cowboy, I started a random thoughts journal, which quickly turned into a book filled with thoughts, dreams, and quotes that were connected to him somehow. I filled an entire book with nothing but bullshit about him and our relationship and reading back over some of it, it was so clear so early on that we weren't meant to be together, but I had been so determined to make it work I ignored all the signs.

Well I was down to a few pages and I decided it was time to write a closing entry on everything, as I don't see why he would be making any appearances in my new journal...unless he keeps doing the fucked up shit he's doing and I write it down just so I can look back on it and say to myself "Can you believe that shit?" and laugh about it. I didn't expect it to be as sad as it was. I hadn't written down anything that had happened since his birthday so the whole "confession", BBQ, car incident, and Jenny's birthday weekend hadn't been notated. So I just gathered it all and glossed it over and put it in there to say good-bye to a year of my life...but...as I wrote, I felt nothing. It was cold and analytical and robotic. It was like I was recalling someone else's life...someone' else's heartbreak...someone else's triumph. I felt nothing but emptiness. How is that possible? I mean...I should have felt SOMETHING, right? Is it really that easy?

Was it really that inconsequential to me?

I wrote: "I don't hate him as much as I dislike him. No, I don't hate him at all, surprisingly. I never loved him enough to want to bother to hate him, and that alone is so sad that I feel as if I should cry but all I can manage is a sad chuckle, a click of my tongue, and a shake of my head, and I feel even that is too much action to waste on something so undeserving of my attention."

Damn!! Is that cold or what?

***I WANT to forget I ever knew him***

but

***I NEED to remember him and learn from my mistakes.

_______________F_O_L_D_________________________

I think the pressure of messing around with Swiz is starting to work on me. I mean, I have always felt this tiny twinge of guilt for fucking around with a guy that has a girlfriend, but now that more people know about and have comments and input, I am really starting to feel low. Granted, it IS wrong, no matter how RIGHT it might feel between us for us to do what we do...but that's just it. Why does it HAVE to be wrong? Why can't he just break up with her and be with me? Why doesn't he just leave me alone and be with her? Why don't I just cut my losses and walk away before this gets more complicated?

He can't and I can't...that's why.

For whatever reason, we need to crash together like the surf to the shore every now and again to feel alive inside. As much pain as this might someday bring me, the joy it brings me now is still more joy than any man has ever been able to make me feel and I just can't let go of that. Call me weak, but I don't WANT to let go of that.

But there's so many eyes watching...so many mouths commenting both positively and negatively and my mind is just swimming along as my heart feels like its drowning because one day...one day there will be a good bye and he will go away again for who knows how long and then what? Feelings this intense can't be all good...can't come without repercussions...

I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him...

but do I really want to find out if he loves me or not?

When does it get easier?

***I WANT to just love him and be with him as long as I can in any way that I can***

but

***I NEED to go out and find me someone that is free to love me and be with me the way they should be instead of waiting for something that may never happen***

_______________P_O_O_F!___________________

Thea

Sun Sign: Aquarius

Rising Sign: Aquarius

| This Week |

Parts of your life may appear to be moving backward, but don't let this bother you in the slightest. It probably doesn't anyway. Right now you need the experience of going through a process all over again. This is not madness, but divine reasoning, which will become abundantly clear at the right time. Venus moves into Scorpio, and adds a touch of charm to any business dealings you have on the go. But you are also much more aware of the motivation of those you have to deal with, and more likely to be suspicious at the same time. While you will have the determination to achieve, it may not be all fair and square, as there could be more than a little self-interest involved on this occasion. But in your case, this may not be such a bad thing. Mercury moves into Libra where it joins the Sun, and this makes any vacations or business trips quite fun to be a part of. But as the Sun also aspects Pluto, you can expect that any new developments are going to have a far-reaching effect on your life. If you are starting a new course or class, you can also expect that it will have an impact on your future. Your love life is going through a rather 'deep' phase - where feelings may scream to be let loose. Do your best - and enjoy the newfound passion.