fire starter
June 23, 2004 � 1:33 a.m.
First Entry Today
Today�s Weather: Acid rain pelting on broken hearts
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So the fallout with Jack is harder than I thought. Sometimes I have to keep myself from turning and saying something to him. It�s hard, because I really do love him, but our friendship, if it can be called that, is a very unhealthy one. It�s like he hates me because he loves me, so he does and says hurtful things to get at me. I can�t keep going through it with him. Those things he wrote hurt. Of course, after he figured I read them, he went and wrote something else to try to fix it, but it can�t be fixed.
Not this time.
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Jen never showed up today or even called to say anything about it. I don�t know what her problem is, but I am really starting not to care. How lovely for her to love me when there was no one around to love her but me�then leave me hanging when the first chick comes along.
I guess girls really aren�t any different from boys.
They break your heart just the same.
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Saturday was a blast. Well, sorta.
The Coast, for once, was really kicking, and guess what?
I met a guy.
A nice guy named Stu came and sat by us and eventually started laughing when we were laughing and then joking around with us. He tried his damndest to Daffy Duck into dancing (you know�rabbit season�duck season�duck season�and I�ll prove it!) by calling me a punk and plying me with drinks. He was a really great guy, but the whole time I�m looking away from him and towards the door�waiting�hoping that Swiz would show up and put a stop to it all.
Of course he never did.
The girls kept making comments and urging me to get his number or give him mine, but even though he was sweet, he wasn�t really my type. He reminded me a bit of Cowboy mixed with the chubby lawyer guy from WAITING TO EXHALE (you know�the one that couldn�t fuck to save his life) and every time he drew close to me I cringed because I felt like I was betraying Swiz�and I felt repulsed because of his similarities to Cowboy. It was like I felt something fake under his niceness, and for once instead of ignoring that feeling, I went with it. I liked him, though. He bought me drinks and sat all close and joked around with me�and�when pretty girls went by, he would look�but then he would just turn back to me and keep talking. He even had a girl sit next to him and try to strike up convo, but he just moved closer to me and kept talking�and that made me feel good. He walked me to my car at the end, and I stood there stupidly with my car door between us. I mean, we were alone and I didn�t really know him and I was a bit tipsy�but he kept his distance, though he kept looking at the door and then down at my feet. He shook my hand and said it was a pleasure and that he hoped to see me up there again. He walked away without even acting like he wanted my number anymore�and when I got into the car I felt like an ass.
I mean, why am I chasing guys away? Ok�so he wouldn�t have been the love of my life�but it might have been something. Someone to go on dates with and chat on the phone with�someone to occupy my time and pull me away from HIM.
From Swiz.
I had a chance to take a positive step away from him and I totally, TOTALLY punked. I came home to my empty, lonely apartment and crawled into bed alone�dialed his number and cried when he didn�t answer. It was then I came to this conclusion�
I have to end it.
Next time I see him (of course I have to get one last tumble�I mean come on�when might the next time be?) I will pour out my heart, thus freak him the fuck out and make him say or do something stupid, and then he will go. And that will be that.
Jeebus�I hope he takes the bait and freaks and leaves.
And stays gone this time.
I don�t have the strength to be the one to fuck it all up, well fix it up, and push him away. He has to let go of me.
And then�I will finally be free.
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Ric has been calling me lately. He said the cutest thing yesterday when I asked him why he wanted to sleep with me. He said, �Well�because me and you have this�connection. We get along so well�and I don�t really get along with women like that. I�ve only been close to like 3 women in my life�including you and my sister�and I don�t know. Something about me and you�feels right.�
And no�his WIFE is not the third woman�it�s some chick he grew up with named Sheila.
I don�t know why that made me feel good. It made me feel special. I admit, I have always had a thing for him, and him saying things like that is why. We�re weird like that�we have never lied to each other, basically because he doesn�t really care how I�ll take the truth. That�s what I love about him�his brutal honesty. So why now? Why is he sniffing around now and acting like he really wants something to start between us? Why is he talking divorce and being all sweet to me and�attentive? It�s disturbing. I�m finally ready to make a move away from Swiz, and it seems like there will be someone there to pull me into a whole new mess of complications.
Maybe that�s the only way I can survive�pulling out of one fire just to jump into another. Or maybe I�m the one that starts the fires.
Wow�.that explains a LOT.