...is but a dream within a dream
February 14, 2004 � 3:45 a.m.
First Entry Today
Today's Weather: Apprehensive with panic rolling in
Well here it is folks, fucking Valentine�s Day.
To all you in love and enjoying your partners this day�ah�
fuck all of ya�s.
Just kidding.
No....really.
Fuck you and your happy lover's bliss.
Anyways�
This has been a VERY shitty week. Up and down and up and down�full of twists and turns and plenty of �what the fuck?� moments. I mean, out of nowhere now, I either have a cold or am having a horrible bout with allergies right now. I spent all friggin� day snoting and sneezing at work, and I am NOT a sneezer. I was so afraid that an eye would pop out I was sneezing so hard. Ugh, and I hate being sick. I hate wheezing out of my mouth like a fish on land because my nose is so clogged I can�t even imagine trying to breathe through it. Yuck. I�m sick. And I have to go to the bar tomorrow night and pretend to be happy with this red ass nose. I�m going to walk in looking like a drunk, red nosed hooker.
Thea, the red-nosed fuck slut. Yup, that�s me.
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Suddenly, people are talking to me again at work. Divulging secrets and asking about my life and what�s going on like nothing ever happened, and the whole time I�m sitting there thinking, �What the fuck is this?� Are they being nice because my birthday is next week or because they really think everything is cool? I don�t know or really care for that matter. Yeah, I�ll speak and yeah, I�ll be nice, but no, I�m not letting you close to me. Never again. I feel like an abused child�scared and pissed off at my parents, but thrilled when they show me some love. How is that any way to live? I guess it�s not a way to live, really. It�s just a way to survive.
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I feel so like Carrie and Sex In The City right now as I sit here griping to my computer screen and smoking my ciggy and sipping my drink. God, I love having my own computer in my own house with no one here at night to bother me. Love it, love it, love it!!
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Switching from bother to brother, can I just say that sometimes that boy just astounds me? Well, he does. Not only did he shell out the $300 bucks to get my car fixed on Sunday, but when we went food shopping the other day, he paid for it all, an extra $130 on top of paying the $75 phone bill. Yeah, he�s still a slob and my place is always a wreck, but he does make an effort to make things easier on me financially. I like the fact that he just does stuff sometimes without me having to ask him to do anything. He just does it, out of the blue, and I love him for it. The other day we were talking and he was telling me about the stories and scenarios that run through his head when he daydreams, and, I realized something phenomenal. We both are constantly thinking of stories ad conversations and poems and songs to write. He�s not a writer, though, except for his raps�but the story ideas he has are fucking awesome! Some straight up sci-fi shit that just rocks the dome like whoa.
My brother is an artist that doesn�t see his art as art. I am a poet that doesn�t my poetry as poetry. We are the same�two halves of the same person�and I say this with total honesty�
My brother is my soul mate. I�d be lost without him.
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You�ll never guess who just called me and kept me on the phone for an half hour.
Yup. Swiz.
He wanted to come over but I told him no�that my house was a wreck and I didn�t really want any company and can I tell you�he sounded so fucking disappointed that all I could do was lay across my bed and smile. I love surprising him�making him wait or just turning him down. He gets so�despondent when I do it, that it really gives me the feeling that he does care in his own way, and I do mean SOMETHING to him, even if it�s not what I want to mean to him�I mean something�and that�s enough.
For now.
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I am not looking forward to my birthday at all. I�ve been depressed about it all week. I just�can�t face another one alone. I mean, from November till the end of this month, it�s back to back holidays and birthday get togethers and I feel like such a loser not having anyone to share them with. I mean, I wish my birthday wasn�t right after Valentine�s Day. It doesn�t give me enough recoup time to get my shit together and put my game face back on and just say to the world, �Fuck it. Yeah, I�m alone�so what?� No, after v-day it�s just downhill from there because my birthday is right around the corner from that, and I always seem to find myself alone on those days. And those alone days hurt worse than all the other alone days because these days just show you flat out�who loves you and who doesn�t.
And no one�I mean no one�wants to know who doesn�t love them.
I was trying to think of a way to weasel my way out of my birthday barhop tomorrow, well, tonight, but to no avail. My friends are adamant about taking me out for my birthday, not wanting me to sit alone and wallow on v-day, and that just makes things worse to me. Or rather, it did.
Angel called me earlier. She just needed to vent about some things, and I was completely flustered that of all the people she could have called, she called me. It was so great talking to her, and when I hung up, that�s when it hit me.
I am not alone.
I have these fantastic friends in my life that would give me the world if it was theirs to give, and all they want to do is make me happy for my birthday. All they want to do is spend some time with me as their way of saying, �Hey�I love you and I�m so glad you were born.� And that is a fucking wonderful feeling. Life isn�t always about sex and boyfriends�it�s about girlfriends, too. Those girls that love you when you�re a mess and admire you when you�re on top. Those that stick by you and listen and share and make you feel whole. Those�that are just�there�down for whatever�whenever you need them.
I may not have a lover�but I am loved�
and nothing in the world is more important than that.