drained
March 26, 2004 � 2:06 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Drained

I am so sick of getting these fucking stupid ass phone calls all time of the night�and now the day, too. They are now calling me while I�m at work�and hanging the fuck up on me when I answer. They don�t hang up right away�oh, no�the sit there and listen to me holler �Hello?!?� a few times and THEN they hang up. Fuckers!! I wish I knew who the hell it is. I am soooooo racking my brain trying to figure it out. I really think it�s Stalker�but a part of me wants to believe it�s Swiz. I mean�.whoever it is, they�re calling at �Swiz Times��times of the night and day he used to call me. Like his break times or that certain time of the night. Then I feel like an ass, because I know Swiz ain�t thinking about me at all, and I need to just deal with the fact that it�s more than likely Stalker, and eventually he will speak when I answer�and then the arguing and bullshit shall commence. When I fuck up, I fuck up BIG�and it seems I pay for it BIG. I�ll carry the repercussions with me to death.

**sigh**

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Yesterday was Adam�s birthday. This is the first year since I�ve known him that I was able to magically find him to wish him a happy birthday. Every year, no matter where he is, I find him�or he finds me�and I tell him happy birthday and he sticks around for a couple of weeks before disappearing again. We were each other�s first major loves. Adam and Eve�tossed out of the garden of bliss forever. I will always love him, though. I�m grateful things were never really bad between us�we just drifted apart�then fell apart. Part of me believes that maybe one day we will have another chance�but I know that�s not true. Though things never got bad, we did hurt each other a lot�and I don�t think we�ll ever really be able to get over that no matter how hard we try. Adam�my love�I will regret him always. No one can compare to him. No one will ever love me like he did. I will never love another the same way I loved him.

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Jenny came over the other day and we went out to the diner to hash things out over some hash. It was lovely seeing her. She looked different�seemed different�but there she was�for better or worse�my Jenny girl�and I loved her completely all over again. We talked about everything�trying to catch up with each other�s lives. It was a little weird, because it seems like so much and yet nothing at all has happened, but when we spoke time frames, it was so obvious that it had. We looked at her pictures from the cruise, and it was wonderful to see them�see the water�remember the fun we had together on that huge ship in that tiny room. It turned out that she was mad at me because of Cowboy�well disappointed in me because of it�and everything that happened afterwards were singular events, not at all linked to that situation, but since we weren�t really speaking, my perception of it was that the friendship was over, while she was trying to figure out what MY problem was. She came and she stayed until after 3am, as we sat in front of the computer and looked at ringers and things for her phone. She left, and we hugged each other tight, and all was right in the world.

I guess I am just a dram queen after all.

I really don�t �know nothing.�

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Still no word from Swiz, but the general consensus of my friends is that he does love me and does care for me, but he�s just afraid. Funny, when he was �around� they all told me he was an asshole and he was just using me. Now that he�s �gone�, they all tell me that we should be together and he will be back and for me not to give up hope.

Since when are MY friends HIS cheerleaders?

I miss him, though�something awful.

And fuck me�they have me believing in him again.

I guess it�s just good to believe in something, huh?