don't speak
April 19, 2004 � 1:35 a.m.
First Entry Today
Today�s Weather: Fucking embarrassed and depressed
I DON�T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
I know I�m an ass, and I know I left a bunch of drunken notes to folks I know all over the net, I know I called Giggles crying and then called Jenny back and ranted as I poured drink after drink down my throat, I know that I had this coming and I should know better and I will never have anyone I love love me because for some fucking reason in my world they can never be the same person, and I know I�m an idiot and will probably die a lonely woman with a house full of stray gimpy cats that won�t be discovered for days because no one will even notice that they haven�t seen me.
I know all this already, okay�I fucking know it�and I don�t want to talk about it.
I know that there are folks out there just itching to say I told you so, but don�t. I know, all right? I already know. I know you were right and I was stupid and I don�t want to fucking talk about that right now.
I know I never should have told my friends anything. I know that I hang around certain chicks that seem to have that slight sheen of slime to them and they shouldn�t be trusted around any guy that I happen to like. I know he has intimacy issues. I know that this whole situation is wrought with nothing but disaster. I know I am his fool. I know that he gets off on knowing that I love him. I know he can�t say the same to me. I know I can�t help who I love. I know I�m not going to change. I know I can�t change�nobody changes, really�it just seems like they do because everything around them and the way you see them changes. I know this.
I already know all of this and I don�t want to talk about it.
I know I am not pretty. I know I am not brave. I know I am not skinny. I know that I am always sad. I know that I don�t want or deserve anyone�s pity. I know that he called me a liar�no, not a liar�just not totally honest. I know that I am his freak. I know that I won�t see him for awhile. I know that when I do see him, I won�t want to talk about any of this and I will just want to fuck him�because we don�t have to think or talk when we do that�and that�s the only time we seem to be free with each other. I know that me telling him I loved him freaked him out. I know he says he doesn�t believe in love, but I also know that deep down he really is hopelessly addicted to believing in it, he just can�t bring himself to admit that it�s true. I know he�s been hurt. I know I�ve been hurt. I know that what he said to me made me want to crawl out of my skin. I know I�ve forgotten most of the important things that he said already. I know he has his own piece of my heart that I will never be able to reclaim. I know that we are still friends. I know that the friendship may not survive. I know that even though we say that we can�t mess around anymore, we always end up back in my bed�or in my car�or on Jenny�s floor. I know that something inside of us makes it impossible for either one of us to let go for some reason, and because we don�t understand what the fuck it is, or trust whatever it is, we will never be able to be anything more to each other than sporadic fuck bunnies that will always lust after each other. I know that he either really, really likes me and is denying it or he really, really hates me and is hiding it, because that is the only way any of his behavior makes any scense. I know he wants to fuck my friends to hurt me�to get back at me. I know he thinks I am out to hurt him, no matter what I say. I know he secretly adores me for loving him, but also thinks I�m a fool for doing so. I know I am his slave. I know nothing is going to change. I know�what I know and I know that knowing that doesn�t make a difference.
I know all this is a bunch of stupid bullshit, alright? I know all that already, okay?
I JUST DON�T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.