dodge this
November 24, 2003 � 8:58 p.m.
First Entry Today
I�m starting to hate weekends.
Things always seem to fall apart on the weekends.
This weekend I felt like I was in the Matrix doing that move Neo did when he dodged the bullets on the roof of the building followed by Trinity�s great one liner, �Dodge this.�
Well, now that you have the idea of how the motion was going, here are the bullets that were fired at me.
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Bullet One
I am at home getting ready to go out with the girls, when I get it�that shiver down my spine�and I knew just as I know my name that Swiz wasn�t coming out with us and that I wouldn�t be hearing from him. It kind of bummed me out, but I finished getting dressed with an ever so sleepy Jenny Girl about ready to drop into dreams on the couch. We head on out the door and Jenny says she left the door open, so I stare at the door and make some smart ass remark, but I wasn�t paying attention to my footing and I trip. Okay�if you have seen Elf, I looked like he did when he got on the escalator. That�s right folks, I busted a split on the steps! Even better, to keep from falling face first down them, I gripped the shit out of the wall and the banister as my ankle twisted in my too high heels. I was actually stuck like that for a minute, because whenever I tried to moved my free leg, the shoe slipped on the carpet stair, and the whole brief moment that seemed to stretch on forever, Jenny Girl was laughing her ass off while asking if I was okay.
No, by the way, I am NOT okay. I am limber and double-jointed and all, but I feel like I stretched my front thigh muscle and sprained my wrist from the way I grabbed the banister. I haven�t been this sore without having sex in a long time.
And now Jenny has more ammo to use against me when she needs a giggle. Up until now, she made fun of me slitting open my finger while drunkenly wrestling with the frozen biscuits. Now she can laugh about how I bust a full split on the steps.
Fucking great.
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Bullet Two
I try to sit down and catch my real life journal up to speed with my net journal and maybe jot down a poem or two or a synopsis for a story or something�but nothing happened.
I could not write.
Besides my hand hurting like all hell, when I went to sit down and write all of the things in my head, I found myself suddenly apprehensive. Writing my life down on the net for the world to see has become a fantasy get away for me. Writing in my personal journal that I carry with me everywhere makes everything�real. I don�t want the real. I want the outrageousness of this journal�with the comments on the side and the scrutiny of strangers and the love of unknown friends and protective shroud of anonymity. When I write here, it�s more like a story that my life�something I can deny later on if need be.
Huh? What? An online diary? By someone with my name?!?! Is it any good? I have to see this!! Ain�t that a bitch?!?!
But with the one I carry around, I can�t deny what I put in there. It�s my handwriting�it�s my pictures�it�s my doodles�it�s my life�big and bold as shit with my name all over it and songs I like scribbled on pages and baby names I like and stickers and quotes�it�s me�it�s just me all over.
And I no longer want to submit my thoughts to myself anymore. I want to send then into the dark, cold void of cyberspace.
And this�disturbs me greatly.
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Bullet Three
My mom dropped the bomb that she wanted to come with my uncle and me on the cruise if Darryl decides not to go. She still has no clue as to the real reason he won�t be able to go, but she�s willing to take his place. She said that and visions of arguments and complaining and me just having a completely miserable time being trapped around a brother and sister act as different as night and day that basically can�t stand each other underneath it all bounded before my eyes and I felt to weary I just wanted to fade, fade away. She seemed hurt by my reaction, so I had to make it seem like I was only pretending that I didn�t want her to come. I got off the phone with her and just sighed like I was exhaling the universe and sparked up a cig. Bibby gets what Bibby wants, and if she tells my uncle she�s coming�well�then that�s that.
In good news, she called me at work today to let me know that she just got a job around the corner from her house working at the corporate center of a bank.
YAY MOM!!!
I am so glad that she finally found a job that is something she likes, pays well, and is close to home. I am so happy, happy, happy�and not just because it means she won�t be able to come on the cruise (and the crown goes, �Awwwww�), but because she�s working and now they will have money coming in and I don�t have to worry about her so much anymore.
Yes, yes, yes�.go on, Momma wit yo� bad sef!!
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Bullet Four
I was laying around on Sunday watching Punch Drunk Love, when my phone starts singing, �Baby boy, you been on my mind�� I nearly fall off the couch as I reach for it in total shock.
It was Swiz.
I answer and he says hey in his sexy �Hey� voice, and I am instantly reduced to smiles and quiet giggles as I give him a surprised �Hey� back. Apparently, in my WAY drunk stupor Saturday night, I called him and left him a message saying I was cussing him out for Leenie and that I just wanted to see how he was doing. He was a bit pissed by the message, too. Not because I called, but because I called to cuss him out for not coming to a gathering that he was NEVER invited to in the first place. Yeah�you heard me. He said Leenie never called (when she had told me she had called him 4 times�just like the time before she said she called him 3 times with no reply) so he didn�t understand why she wanted me to cuss him out when he didn�t even know about it. So, I gave him a very confused apology, which was chased by him telling me he had been thinking about me Saturday night, and was wondering if we were going out, but after he checked his finances, he had to think the better of it. He got drunk at his boy�s house instead. All in all, we talked about 45 minutes�like the old Thea and Swiz�and it felt great.
We had been talking for about 10 minutes when he said, �Yeah, things have been so hectic and fucked up since I last spoke to you. My car dies and shit, money is tight as hell, and she just finished getting her stuff out of here earlier this week. We finally broke up. I�m just trying to get used to the way things should be anyway.�
I sat there in shock. Did he say broke up? Moved out? How things should be?
He has said them so fucking nonchalantly that I wasn�t sure I had heard him right. I was quiet for a moment before throwing a tentative, �Damn, I�m sorry,� out there without sounding too happy. I�m not happy because I think that it all means that we will be together or whatever, because I think that all of that shit is stopping�especially since he�s tasting his freedom and hanging with his boys again�and I wouldn�t want him now anyway�because the timing would be 50 million times more terrible than our usually hit and miss timing. No, I was happy because he wasn�t sad and because he wasn�t with the mega bitch anymore and he was free.
Free to be with whomever he wants and do whatever he wants and whoever he wants to be�
he�s free�so now I can try to break free, too.
Love is a mutha� fucka�, ain�t it?
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Bullet Five
My brother came home from drill Sunday and he sighed and rubbed his arm where they had given him his shots and he looked at me and told me it seemed like they were for real about shipping them out. He said they gave out the locations.
He said he�s going to Iraq.
I said the fuck you are.
He said it again and nodded sadly.
I said it again and fought back the tears.
They are sending my little brother to Iraq for a year.
And I have no one to tell this to�no one to share in my worry and anger and grief�
Because it is our secret and he made me promise not to tell until he had a tentative ship out date.
Only good thing, which isn�t really a good thing, is that when they gave him his physical, they said that he might have a heart murmur. The doc said he had the heart of a 40-year-old man when they did the EKG. They said they will run more tests and depending on the severity, he might not ship out. I told him to tell them about the seizures. I begged him to tell them. That on top of some kind of heart condition is not a good combo in hot ass, war zone Iraq. He told me no. I said I would tell on him if he didn�t. He said he might go to jail if I did. I said I�d rather have him in jail then in Iraq. He told me to calm down.
I pretended to calm down.
Later, he told me to write up a letter saying he paid the rent at my spot so the rent (part of) would be paid while he was gone. He said he�d be making $4000 a month that he would just be sitting on over there so when he got back here he�d have enough money saved for us to buy the house. He was talking to his girlfriend on the phone and I heard him whisper, �My father don�t give a fuck about me and my mother and sister are all I got. I�m all she�s got because her and my mom don�t always get along. She�ll be taken care of while I�m gone�just like she always took care of me. All we have ever had was each other.�
I get up and go to my room.
I cry and cry and cry and cry.
Nothing feels real anymore. I am praying for my brother to have some kind of heart disease or have a grand mal seizure during training so they won�t send away, and he�s praying for the opposite because he has honor�he has something to prove.
He wants to show everyone he isn�t afraid of his responsibilities and prove himself.
I just want him to see that there�s never been anything to prove because he�s always been my hero.
I just want him to live.
Please God, please�let him dodge THIS.