everything is a diary
June 14, 2004 � 8:07 p.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Crampy with periods of mania

So, my fucking DSL was down every time I tried to log on this weekend. I swear, if it�s one damn thing it�s another with my computer. I kept getting the server down message and I had a few really good entries, too.

So why didn�t I just write them and save them in Word?

Because I�m a fucking moron, that�s why.

Have we not learned that yet, kiddos?

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Anyway, Jenny called me Thursday morning to let me know a friend of hers at work could move my stuff for me into our new place for $150. Now that�s one hell of a deal. I have had offers of people wanting me to pay them that much just to drive to my place, better yet move anything. Of course, I get this fabu news AFTER my landlady informs me I might not be getting the apartment she promised me. She told me not to worry because she has another one available now�and with a balcony no less (yeah for the smoker!!) but�there�s no way in hell I can finagle my furniture up that hallway and into the apartment.

Great, huh?

I told my brother this and he told me not to get upset yet, that once we knew for sure whether or not the old bat is moving out of OUR apartment and we see and take measurements of the new one, we would know if we should panic or not. I say panic now. Yes�panic now. Because I can NOT take being cramped in that tiny, funky, filthy ass apartment with my slob brother anymore!! If we don�t get out soon�well�someone will have to die, damn it, and it ain�t going to be me.

Come Wednesday, my landlady should know for sure if I�m getting the apartment or not, and I will definitely be calling her as soon as I wake up to find out what�s going on.

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Yeah, so Jenny called, for one of her brief calls of course, and I�being the jack ass I can sometimes be�decided to try to reach out again and give this another go. She said she wanted to get together and go to a movie�she hadn�t seen me in so long�.blah, blah, blah�so Friday I call her while driving home. She was understandably busy at work, so it was cut short, but she promised to call me later.

Friday night�nothing. Saturday�nothing. Sunday�nothing. Today�nothing.

So what am I going to do?

Nothing.

I�m sick of being blown off. I tried to talk and open up and see if she would actually follow through with something, but she didn�t and yeah�it fucking hurt.

And nobody is worth all this bullshit�

not even her.

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Speaking of bullshit, Ric just called me. And I don�t know why, but I told him how I�ve been fucking the same guy for a year now and asked him how a guy could just sleep with a girl for a year and never want anything more or just cut it off and not deal with her anymore, and he said because of greed.

Well, that makes sense�sorta�no�a lot.

I thought it was cute how it irritated him that I told him that, and he brought up how I wouldn�t sleep with him, but I�d tell him how I can sleep with other guys. He then started in on all the old shit, and I kept talking about the mystery guy (because he kept asking) and part of me thinks he has put it together that it�s Swiz and that�s why I told him I love him (love the mystery guy�Swiz) and that seemed to totally shock him. He was like really? Then he was quiet a minute wished me luck.

Then he asked me again why I wouldn�t sleep with him, and I smiled and said he never makes a move. He said, �Well, not anymore!� and I said, �Well then, there�s your problem. I can�t give an answer if I never hear the question.�

He didn�t have much to say after that.

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I saw a guy on the street that looked like my friend that OD�d over Christmas break on Saturday. I mean, he looked so much like him, that I slammed on the breaks and called his name�but when he looked at me, I saw it wasn�t him, and that when it really hit me.

Jay is gone.

I never really thought about it. I heard the news, thought �well�that was inevitable�, felt a little sad for about an hour, and that was it. I hadn�t seen him in awhile�we were cool, but we weren�t the closest of friends�but when I saw that guy on the street and it wasn�t him, I started to cry. I realized he was really gone�he had killed himself before his life had really started. He wasn�t a bad guy either. I mean, a druggie, yeah, but he wasn�t mean and he didn�t steal and he didn�t smell or anything�he was just ALWAYS drunk or high. And that�s his legacy. That�s how he�s remembered by most people�as that hot-tempered pill popper that was always in trouble. That was sure how I thought about him when I heard the news. I was amazed he had lasted as long as he had. Saturday, however, I sat at the light crying in my car, and a memory I had forgotten popped into my head.

He had come knocking on my door and I was surprised to see him there. We usually hung out in a group or shot the shit for a minute as we passed each other going home. He�d NEVER come to my door before alone. So, I came out and told him Relly wasn�t with me�thinking he must have wanted him, but he just smiled and asked me to come out and smoke with him. We sat on my stoop and I thought he needed a cig, but he reached and lit up two and handed me one. He asked me when I was moving and where we were moving and shit like that while kicking our feet and leaning against each other and grinning. Then he gently elbowed me and said, �It�s not going to be the same around here without you. Promise you�ll come and see us sometime?� I smiled and said I would and grinned and said, �I always liked you, you know? You�re not like all these other chicken heads out here. I wish we coulda hung out more, you know? I would have liked being your friend.� He got up to leave and I called, �You are my friend, Jay. Didn�t you know?� and he smiled and said, �I�m brain dead half the time�didn�t you know?� We laughed and he continued to back away, and he called, �But I�ll keep you to that!� before tuning and walking into his house.

I think that was the first and only time he and I were completely alone and had a decent conversation. He wasn�t high, and though he had been drinking a beer I don�t think he was drunk. He was just Jay. Sober and sweet� coming to say goodbye to me without the usual crowd around us� asking me not to forget him.

And I had. I had totally forgotten about that day until Saturday. And now I miss him horribly, grieving for the lost boy he was and the man he will never turn into�for the family he left behind and the children he will never have. It�s true, you know�everything we do is an entry in a diary�either passages in our own or blurbs in someone else�s�it is all being recorded somewhere by someone�and when we die, it�s all that�s left behind to show who we were. It is our legacy.

I had forgotten my entry about Jay, but I�m leaving a reminder there now, so I can always remember that day�how he was that day.

That is the Jay I want to remember.

I wonder how I will be remembered and just how many diary pages I will fill.

What will my diary say about me?