decisions...decisions
February 28, 2004 � 8:12 p.m.

Second Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Sleepy and confused

Ok, so I actually fell asleep last night�well this morning�and instead of waking up at a normal time, do you know what I figure would be a good thing to do?

Sleep until 2:30 PM.

Around 2:20 I sort of woke up and looked at the clock, and that�s when Leenie called me to make sure I was still coming tonight. I didn�t have the heart to say anything to the contrary, so I told her I�d be there, on time, thus definitely nixing off Satan�s gig at the Pirate�s Den�and going with Jenny to see it.

I laid there, groggy as hell, cursing myself out for staying in bed so long�because that only means that I won�t be sleepy tonight and will stay up all night still. I can really be fucking stupid sometimes. I feel so damn tired�

I went to work and didn�t have time to do any real work, since Monkey begged me to not go over 85 hours on my check, and I wrote to Jenny to tell her I wasn�t going and if she still wanted to go, she could get directions from the site. We had talked the other day and resolved that we are fine (again) but we still don�t feel fine, and we still haven�t bothered to try to contact each other to really talk about it either, so whatever. I don�t know what�s going on there. I�m bothered and irritated and strangely steeled about it all at the same time. In other words, I don�t know how to feel about it, because I really don�t know what �it� is. Is she mad at me? If so, what the hell does she have to be mad about? She dissed me�not the other way around. I didn�t even say anything mean to her when I spoke to her, though it was hard holding my tongue from doing so. I held my tongue and we still ain�t speaking. Well�whatever. I don�t know what else to do.

I came home, feeling sickly nervous the whole ride because I have to call Swiz and ask him to come out tonight�so he can come over here afterwards�and I can get this shit done and over with. I am afraid of his response. I�m afraid he wont respond and even more afraid that he will.

What if he doesn�t love me?

Hell�what if he does?

I�ve been trying to come to a conclusion about it all, and I am resigned with the fact that he doesn�t love me�and terrified at the fact that he might. Because if he does, if he does�what the hell does that mean? What difference will it really make? Do I really want him�as a boyfriend? Or am I only so enamored because I feel that he doesn�t so I have no fear of really being hurt?

Why must I make shit so difficult? He probably won�t even answer when I call�respond to my message�or come to see me tonight�

And then I will have to wait another two weeks to get this done�being on edge and in emotional agony over this man that I love more than anything�

�and even more than that, I don�t think I want him to love me back.

Wish me luck, kiddos. Wish me strength.

Wish me�love?