days gone by
May 07, 2004 � 12:47 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Mystified with moments of madness

I was sitting at my desk lost in my hunger delirium as I stared blankly at my desk calendar counting the days till pay day and wondering how I�m going to make it, when I started looking at the dates. I started wondering when things would start to slow down with me and Jenny. I was over there last night washing clothes when she came home with Jeannie, and I felt so out of place as they would steal furtive looks at each other behind me and make faces at each other from across the room. I felt like a damn intruder. I couldn�t get out of there fast enough.

Don�t get me wrong, I�m not jealous or anything, and I like Jeannie now that I�ve been around her a few times (now whether she�s for Jenny or not, the jury is still out on that one�even for Jenny), I just know that this is there �get to know you� stage and I don�t need to be around in the mix fucking up their alone time. Plus, if it doesn�t work, I don�t want to be the catalyst that caused the problems. I study people too much, and Jeannie is still new, but there�s something about her that I can�t put my finger on. It�s probably the way they started and all of the reservations Jenny had, I now still have. It�s like she�s wrangling Jenny into a relationship without calling it a relationship and I don�t know, but that seems sneaky to me. But as long as Jenny is happy, I am happy for her�I just don�t want her to look around one day and be like �what the fuck?�.

Where was I?

So yeah, I�m worried that with her new relationship, our relationship will fall by the wayside. So while looking at the calendar, I remembered how Jenny was there for me after the break up, and how I more than likely would have drank myself to death if it hadn�t been for her�and how I love her more than anything.

On May 18th it will be one year since he left me.

But that�s not what startled me.

What had me all shook up, was one week after we broke up, that�s when I started up with Swiz, not June�but May�and only one week after we broke up. Show�s how much I loved him, huh? We break up and I run straight to Swiz and have been stuck with him since then. Happily stuck�but stuck still. The way I feel about Swiz is all complicated and confused and at times heartbreaking, but I don�t regret one minute of it. I love him.

Half of my life, exactly half, I have been in love with this guy in one way or another, and if it hadn�t been for Cowboy, none of this ever would have happened. No apartment, no car, no Jenny (at least not like we are), and no Swiz. All of these things were set into motion by my relationship with him. Being with him may not have been a good thing, but good things came from being with him.

Bitter and sweet, right?

As for Cowboy, I will not let him get to me anymore. Fuck him and his bullshit and lies and girlfriends. Shit happens. He fucked me up and over, true, but I can�t let it effect me anymore. The unanswered questions don�t matter anymore. I never loved him enough to hate him, and I have to just deal with that. That�s what bothers me, see. I make myself hate him because I don�t hate him�because I didn�t really love him like I wanted to believe I did�because in the long run my stupidity would have helped him destroy me.

But he didn�t. I�m still here. And he hates that. And that�makes me happy.

I�m still here, bitch�with everything you did�I am still here.

Still standing.

Still surviving.

Still capable of love.

Still here�for better or worse�I am me�

still.