copulating confessions and confusion
September 29, 2004 � 3:50 p.m.

Today's Weather: Cranky and hungry with periods of "Fuck!"

So...

just when I don't think I can possibly do anything dumber than fucking a guy that can't be mine because he won't be mine...I do the fucking ultimate no-no.

Yes, my freaky darlings...I did it. I said it. I curled his sleeping form into my arms and said it into the nook of his armpit.

"I love you. You don't have to love me back. I just want to be able to love you."

And he stirred. And I panicked. And he mumbled a "Hmmmm?"

And that was my escape. He had been sleep. He hadn't really heard me. He hadn't understood!! I was in the clear!! So this is what I say as he settles closer...

"I said I love you. You don't have to love me back. I love you. I just do."

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!

I had an out! It was a safe confession...an unheard but expressed sentiment that I could replay over and over in my head when I am sleepless and lonely. But nooooooooooo...not only am I stupid enough to say it the first time, but when he didn't hear it, I fucking say it again...LOUDER!!!!

He didn't respond really...just a "mmmmmm" noise...but that was after I felt him stiffen and stop breathing. So I think he heard me...but maybe he didn't...maybe he heard my voice but didn't comprehend...maybe he THOUGHT I said that and wasn't sure...

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!!

I said it, laid there not breathing a minute, and then I pulled away from him. But he didn't stop me or cuddle closer either. So maybe he thought I was pissed because he didn't respond...or maybe he just thought I didn't feel like sleeping that way...or maybe he was pissed I pulled away....

He slept away from me the rest of the night. At one point, I thought he was going to go INTO the damn wall. But then, towards morning, he snuggled next to me. And he didn't rush around quietly trying to sneak out like he sometimes does. He wandered to the kitchen and then to the bathroom and then back to mine like he wasn't in a rush or angry or embarrased or anything...and by me moving, he could tell I was awake...or waking. And through half closed eyes, I watched him looking down at me as he dressed and he sat on the edge of my bed and pulled his shoes on. He stood back up and hovered there a second, before reaching to take a cig. He laughed as he took my special green one, my "wish" in the pack, and smiled down as he said, "Alright, lady." or baby...I'm not sure which...and he sauntered on out...down the steps...and out the door. And I sat there for the longest.

What the fuck was that?

Was that "I heard you.", or "I'm sorry, I can't.", or "I understand.", or "Goodbye.", or "I love you, too..."?

What was it? He sleeps away from me, then comes to me later, takes his time dressing and even though my eyes weren't really open, he says goodbye...

This is after he calls me on a weeknight, sounding hurt that I didn't call him back on Saturday. This is after he comes over and lays there holding me and asking me about the move. This is after he confesses my prowness in getting him "there". This is after we have the best sober sex in the fucking universe!! This is after he asked me to rub his legs, and to not move away from him, and if it was alright for him to stay.

All in all...it was a very confusing and exaltating and heartbreaking night.

But was it our goodbye? I need to know...if it was our goodbye and that's why it was so good...so complete...so easy for me to tell him I loved him.

Is this the end...or is it the beginning?
I just know that something has changed.

Me and my fucking big mouth.

I CAN NOT BELIEVE I TOLD HIM I LOVE HIM!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I am, by far, the world's biggest and most celebrated asshole.

Oh my God...what happens now?