colors will never blind you
July 01, 2004 � 8:58 p.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Sad with brief periods of exhaustion

I woke up this morning and donned my slinky black slacks, breezy black and white blouse, and shiny black jacket, gave Darryl the super green rent money to give to the land lady, and slunk out to my silver car that emits white smoke when I turn her over while also now making a weird noise when I am driving.

I don�t know�colors were just�vivid�today.

I got to the funeral home and Lola was outside already, so I stood next to her to try to not look so obviously out of place. She looked real pretty in her lavender shirt and black pants. You know, that kind of pretty that comes from despair�that tragic beauty with the red-rimmed eyes, shaky hands, and a veil of vulnerability. She was that kind of beautiful�and all I wanted was to touch her or hold her, but I was way too afraid that she would break.

I was happy to see Lizzie and Monkey walk up. I felt like I was part of something as all of us roamed from room to room while looking at all the people and trying to figure out who they were as if we knew them. When they left, I sat with Lola�s friends and commented about the d�cor and inquired after her well being, and when we laughed about something stupid one of us said, Lola looked over and smiled at us, and I felt myself relax.

They called us into the muted pink room and we sat on hard pink damask covered folding chairs, and while the preacher spoke, I focused on the outrageously obsolete purple bouquet that the company sent. It was a lot smaller than we thought it was, but the colors of purple were marvelous the way they seemed to shift and move in the light. I was so mesmerized by them, that I was shocked when people started to stand and it was time to pay our last respects. I was halfway to the casket, when �Angel� by Sarah McLaughlin started piping from the speakers and I stopped short. Why did it have to be this song�oh no�why this one? I said to myself as I walked up to see him, Lola�s father, for the first and last time. He had a very nice face�nice as in kind�as you can tell he smiled easily and he did it a lot. I saw Lola�s face in his face, and the song was louder the closer that I got and before I knew it, I had tears in my eyes and his charcoal gray suit and caramel colored skin blurred and blended and I had to walk out of the room and catch my breath. Not because I knew him�but because I knew death�and his frail body and big flowers was too much of a contrast for me to bear. He was small and faded just like my grandma had been when she died, and as I stared at the pictures of him in the hall while I tried to regain my composure, I was reminded that souls are real�they are what make us human�what make us alive, and now this nice looking man that I had never met is all around is in hyperspace, just like my grandma.

I wanted to say that to Lola to comfort her, but it just sounded stupid, so I let it go.

We drove down the street to the graveyard. We stood there as they Air Force guys went through the ceremony of taking Mr. Sykes out of the hurst to walk him to his final resting place. They marched grandly, and we idled along behind then, entranced by the cadence of their shoes on the dirt. We stood around the grave as they folded the flag and saluted and gave it to Lola�s mom, and while the preacher said a few verses, I looked up and I saw a hawk circling in the sky above us. He circled and circled and circled�and I suddenly smiled insanely at him as he flew away just as the preacher finished the prayer.

It was by far the most beautiful thing ever.

The sky was a clear bright blue, his casket was a baby blue and chrome, and the Air Force guys were dressed in their �dress blues� with their pristine white gloves and dapper hats�it was all just precious. I had never seen the spectrum of blue spaced out like that. When the guns resounded behind us, I whirled to look at them just as Lola started to cry, and then I was crying�not because of her but because of me�because my father will have a military burial just like this one day, but he won�t have a daughter that loves him standing by and sobbing as the gunshots ring through the air. No, no children will be there to cry for him or stand and say nice things about him�and I don�t know why�but it made me cry. I especially felt as if I were going to lose it when the mysterious guy who had been standing across the field began to play �Taps� and I could hear the clicks from the other guys� guns as they banged them on the ground while walking away.

I hugged Lola and told her to call me if she needed me. I got in my car and started on my way to work. Half way down the road, I lost it, and started crying. I was thinking about my father, the Queen and dad, Darryl, grandma, mom-mom, and me�of how our funeral would be�of how I would be if someone like Darryl or the Queen were to die suddenly. Darryl will have a military service one day, too. Just like his father. But unlike his father, I WILL be there to grieve for him�in life or death�I will grieve the world�s loss when my brother dies. I will be broken when the Queen dies.

And in a lot of ways, I grew up today.

Weird thing is, last night I got to the part in the book where Laura�s dad dies and Rob is talking about death and funerals, and as I stood around, I was thinking about it, and the book had described it wonderfully�how you want to do something but can�t, how you don�t know how to act or react, and your own life and death haunt you as you try to concentrate on things around you that won�t make you focus on the person in the casket or what they signify.

Today was an unbearably sad day�and that is perfectly beautiful.