changes I been going though
April 28, 2004 � 1:20 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Giddy with moments of doubt

Soooooo, yeeeaaaah�.still disgusting.

Started thinking about him and sex with him and love with him and I wound up cooking some beef stir fry. Like I have someone to cook for.

I�m going to be eating stir fry for the rest of the week.

Anyway�every moment I�m still, I have flashbacks of lying next to him.

I hate myself.

See�this is why I never wanted him to stay the night. And he initiated this one. HE asked ME to lie next to him. He let me wrap him in my embrace and play with his hair until I fell asleep. Geezus crow�I am all caught up this time.

I�I�I�m feeling�good�about us now. Like there could be an US. Damn, I wish he would have told me what he had to say. BUT�but�in the back of my mind, I have this nagging thought that now I am feeling easy about us, he won�t be coming back to me anymore. It was too nice�too perfect�and the last time I felt this calm about someone, he dumped me after asking me to be his wife and turning my life upside down.

Hmmmmm�.dilemma.

Good thing is�no one knows about this feeling�especially him. So next time I see him, I will be back to normal and knocked off this stupid cloud. I am amazed at how I am handling this whole thing. It�s not like anything major happened or changed between us. It�s just that�I don�t know�he was different. And instead of drowning in negativity, I am floating in hope.

Still�not his fool, though. Still�keeping my head.

I am just enjoying this happy feeling while it is lasting.

I never knew happy could feel this good.

Someone kill me now.

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I was lying around last night, getting drunk�again�and I had a disturbing revelation�

I don�t have to be depressed or out with my girls to want to have a drink. I was completely giddy, yet I still had the need to have a couple of vodkas before winding down to bed�and it scared me. I realized, I haven�t really been eating, but I�ve been smoking and drinking like I�ve lost my mind. I haven�t been low for a week now, but I�m still drinking like a fish and smoking like a train. Why? I think it�s because Cowboy has been on my mind. Did I mention he�s talking marriage to this old chick already? Yeah�2 weeks ago she couldn�t get him off and this week she�s the best he ever had and he wants to marry her.

Some things never fucking change.

Next month will be a year since we broke up, and he�s on his forth girl and third thought of marriage. In June, it will be a year since I started messing with Swiz�and he�s been the only one�and I�m giddy because he stayed the damn night. How was I ever with a nutcase like him? I have to admit, his ambiguousness really bothers me. I mean, why wasn�t I good enough? What was wrong with me? How is it, that in two years, he�s been with five women and I�m the only one that HE left behind? I can�t stand the thought of his bitch ass being happy.

I want him hurt�I want him broken�I want him demolished.

I want to be myself again�the me before he came along and smashed me to bits.

I am trying to get past it, and I thought I was, but with summer almost upon me again, I am haunted by my misery of last summer, and I am floundering.

I hope she fucking kills his heart�.I swear I do.

How petty is that?

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Work is alright�for once. Then again, I have been floating above the bullshit this week, so what do I know? But it�s all good. Monkey and I have been discussing the possibility of a promotion. He is trying to create a venue for me to be a supervisor in, and I love him for it. He really is trying his best to make me happy, and it�s working. I�ve been coming in on time (well�.closer to being on time), grinding out my work, and solitary and content at my desk as I daydream away. I am afraid that I am getting to comfortable with my life. I am making plans for the move and getting my truck and getting out there this summer and having a fucking ball. I can�t believe it. I am looking forward to the future.

And not because of Swiz.

With or without him, I am making strides to try to be a happier and more positive person. I am analyzing the things that bother me and trying to create solutions for them. I want my life�to change�for the better.

I have never been so afraid in all my life.

The voice is still in my head telling me that it�s all going to go wrong, but I have found a way to turn her volume down so I can barely hear her.

This year will be different.

I admit, I do include Swiz in my happy thoughts of completion, but I am not depending on that�on him. For once�my life is about me�about my happiness.

How fucking awesome is that?

Damn�I hope this lasts.

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And...big ups to my girl Dragonwench for creating my new temp that I will unveil next month.

I adore you girl!!

*lick*