cowboy convo#24
December 04, 2003 � 8:23 p.m.

First Entry Today

I don�t know why you have been on my mind so much lately.

And not on my mind in a way that�s good or flattering to you.

On my mind like I wish you would just fade off the face of the earth.

Weird, huh?

I don�t understand where all of the sudden hostility is coming from. You haven�t really been on my mind and I haven�t seen much of you lately. We�ve exchanged a few hi�s and all, but the only time we have actually TALKED talked was the day I ended up spilling my guts to you and crying about Swiz. You were so nice to me that day. You said such sweet and caring things that day�.you were the guy I wished you were all of the time. So why am I hating you now? Why am I falling in hate all over with you again?

Worse than that, why the fuck am I having dreams about your ass? Last night, once again, I had a dream about you�only this time there WAS sex and there WAS a bit of kindness exchanged between us. Well�sort of. At least this time I wasn�t writing notes about how I want you to die or anything. Instead, we had sex and I kicked you out when you tried to talk �love� to me. Then we started seeing each other on the sly. By seeing, I mean fucking�only fucking�no relationship shit. I was even hostile towards you in the dream�which is expected�but I fucked you, and I WANTED to fuck you�and that bothers the hell out of me.

I know I must have been on your mind recently. You looked like you had something to say that time I was over there, but you didn�t. I see some �strangeness� in your face when you look at me. I must have done something again. Or you�re looking for another way to fuck me over�again.

Hostile, hostile, hostile.

I can barely stand to look at you and speak to you, but I�m having dreams about fucking your brains out And killing you. Let�s not forget the dreams where I stab you with a sword. Nope�can�t forget those.

I was told today that you are planning on getting me a Christmas gift.

Now, what the fuck is that? I know how you shop for Christmas�necessity only. Only the closest friends that are getting you anything get something. So how did I get added to that list? Now I have to go and get you something nice, when Jenny had talked me out of being stupid and giving you anything besides a card.

Shit.

Why now? Why are you thinking about me now? Why the gift for Christmas? Why the kindness during the breakdown?

Why the fuck is it even bothering me as much as it is?!?!!?!?