butterflies and hurricanes
June 19, 2004 � 3:12 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Blue skies blanketed with a purple haze

My DSL has been up and down all week. Every time I come home and go to log on, it won�t let me and by the time it finally lets me on, I don�t want to do anything and just go to bed. I called Verizon Tech Support, and after telling me to look at a couple of lights, they tell me that my NIC card is gone and I won�t be able to boot up until I get a new one.

I tried again when I hung up and I�ve been online ever since.

So is it my NIC card or is it Verizon? I know dick about this stuff so I took jerk boy for his word when he told me I needed a new card, but now I am here doing what he said would be impossible without one and I am wondering what to believe. To get a NIC or not to get a NIC�that is the question.

Speaking of computers, I got my DVD burner two days ago!! Whoo hoo!! Now all I have to do is find someone to put it in for me and I�ll be burning my ass off!

Yeah baby�YEAH!!

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I finished reading THE DA VINCI CODE and all I can say is this:

I felt like a virgin having mediocore sex in the middle of an orgy with everyone moaning and writhing around and thinking, "What the fuck is the big deal?"

Don't read it. It's a major let down.

Nuff said.

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Jenny had called me out of nowhere�what�Wednesday, I think, to remind me about her sister�s sex toy party and to see if it was Coast Saturday, because if so, they wanted to go up there after the party.

I was stunned.

I wasn�t really happy to hear from her, because it had been the first time I had woken up and she wasn�t on my mind and I wasn�t missing her. I had started to accept that, well�basically�I�d been dumped and I�d have to deal with it. Then she calls, we share awkward conversation, and when I hang up, I�m all mixed up again.

After chewing on it all day, I call her on my way home to tell her I don�t want to go to the party, but the convo was a bit better, and when she was about to hang up I blurted out, �What�s going on with us? I never hear from you anymore�we never hang out with just US anymore�I mean�you get a girlfriend and you just disappear on me, jerk!� At first she didn�t know what to say and then she just said, �I don�t know.�

We talked a bit and she told me she had been wearing my nightshirt and was missing me. I told her I missed her too, and we hadn�t been the same sine Jeannie came along. I told her about �the look� Jeannie had given me and how she makes me feel uncomfortable and Jenny said she hadn�t known about that. After talking it all out, I agreed to go to the sex party and then we�d all go to the Coast afterwards. We also set up a date on Tuesday for us to hang out and see RETURN OF THE KING together. I�ve seen it a hundred times already, but she hasn�t so�it�s a date.

I haven�t heard from her since then, but I guess we�re still on for tomorrow�

I guess we�ll see where we stand after we hang out SANS Jeannie.

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Jack wrote some more shit in his diary about me, and this time, it really hurt. I thought we were past all that shit, but I guess we�re not. And I am sick and tired of making excuses for the way he dogs me to other people. I�m sick of him smiling in my face and then writing about how he can�t stand me and the only reason I�m still working is because he can�t bring himself to �come down on me�. I moved my stuff out of his drawers at work and I didn�t speak to him all day today, but he wrote Lola to try to get information.

He knows I still read his diary, so he knows what the damn problem is. I am not dealing with him �friendly� anymore. We have no reason to speak unless it is work related and the sooner I am moved away from him the better.

I know he�ll try to make it seem like I�M just being a bitch to everyone else�again�but I don�t care anymore. I�m not apologizing anymore. He hates me, so be it.

Jack and Karen are dead.

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My brother went food shopping this morning, and surprisingly, he did a good job to be shopping without a list and without being asked. It was great to come home to food. The house was still fucked up and he still hasn�t cleaned out the fridge like I asked, but at least we have food. He did SOMETHING right.

I found out that a couple of guys in his unit were killed over in Iraq and he had been trying to keep it from me so I wouldn�t freak out. So what do I do? Freak the fuck out�but not in front of him, at least. I am completely noided that he will be called in and shipped out, but I am trying not to dwell on it or ruin our time together by talking about it too much. The other day when I got home, he was up and I looked over at him and he said, �What?� I said, �You know�I have a million memories of you, starting from the day mom told dad she was pregnant with you, and the memories I have with you are all tied to the happiest times in my life. Ain�t that something?�

He blushed and smiled but said nothing for awhile, but then asked me what made me think of that. I told him I have a friend that was talking about how she has never been close to her brother and that made me sad�then it made me happy because I do have someone that I have a history with�and that we were lucky because not all siblings have a relationship like ours. He shook his head, came over and patted my shoulder and went to work.

Yeah bro�I love you, too.

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So, the landlady let me know that we will be moving to the back row in September. They will be renovating the apartment and putting all new stuff in there since the lady moving out has been there for 19 years. I was so fucking happy!! I�ve gone past the place and I will more than likely be able to practically park outside my door and it will be a bigger two bedroom end unit with all new carpet and everything.

Awesome!

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I was going to call Swiz to invite him out tomorrow so we could have sex, but I�m not. I don�t think I wasn�t to see him this weekend�plus�more than likely he won�t come out. I don�t think he wants to be around the crew anymore than I do (well with him hitting on Leenie and Jenny to prove a damn point, I�d feel uncomfortable, too!!) and I�m only going to see Leenie. I�m not looking forward to the rest of that awkwardness at all. But I�ll suck it up because I have to�because when I didn�t come last time it kind of hurt Leenie�s feelings, and I don�t want to hurt her in any way.

I�m sure I�ve have a great story to tell on Sunday.

Hopefully, I�ll be able to log the fuck on to tell it.