Last call…please clear the floor and it’s the last call for drinks…
So here it is…my last night in my bed in my own apartment. Tomorrow I’ll be moving out and away from here, from this life, and onto to my girl’s house where I will be a tenant trying to start a new life. I’m leaving here. It hurts when I say it…even more when I think it. I am leaving here. Here. Where I tried to make a life for myself. Here. Where I thought I had finally obtained the love of my life. Here. Where I had gained my independence and stabilized myself financially. Here. Where I was finally getting to know who I am and could be. Here. The only place I thought I was safe to be me. I am leaving here…and it’s the most painful move of my life.
I am back to square one. I will be leaning on someone else’s kindness for a while. Back to working at some crap job that will barely get me by. Back to driving a crappy car. Back to fucking worthless men to tide the loneliness. Back to hiding within myself. Back to being worthless. I feel horrible that I will be mooching off of Jen till I get back on my feet. I am grateful for her kindness, as she has stood by me through this ordeal, but I am sick to my stomach at the fact that I tried to make a life for myself by myself and I fell flat on my face. Right where my mom always said I would land.
And the worse part, the saddest part, is I don’t even have my dream of love anymore. He came back and ruined it all, ruined me, and the dream is shattered. For almost twelve years I have been holding onto the notion that once he came back, everything would be all right. That he was the one. That he was my happily ever after. Now I know he was just another man to come into my life and leave me dry when I need him most. Now I have to face the fact that the love I have been harboring and treasuring….was just another delusion. And now…I have to let go of the only thing that cheered me when I was my lowest. I have to let go of hope. He is gone. Forever. He is gone. I doubt that I will see him again…at least not the way I used to see him…and my heart… I can’t keep my heart from constantly breaking every time I blink my eyes.
Don’t mind me. I am feeling sorry for myself. I hate to move. I hate fleeing like some refugee. My childhood is full of moves like this. I had promised myself I would never get myself into this kind of predicament. And I have let myself down. I am thirty years old and I have nothing but a past of failures to record as my life. I don’t believe in anything anymore. I have nothing left to believe in. I want to drink. I want to scream. I want to cry…but I don’t even have the energy for that. I just wanted to write this to say goodbye to here…goodbye to dreams…goodbye to this girl and this life…
in hopes that I will get to say hello to a better tomorrow.
Goodbye, girl.