without the bitter, sweet can't be as sweet
May 04, 2004 � 2:26 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Strange with periods of dread

So Friday, yeah, bitch ass Cowboy managed to knock me off my fucking cloud.

He�s at the house having sex with his girl when we get there, now, really, I�ve been there and done him so I don�t care, but it�s what happened afterwards that pissed me off beyond anything. I had to get rent from him for Jenny because she was in the shower and that was her going out money. Well, he walks to her door and I�m there and he has the money so I ask for it, he say he�s not giving me the money. I stand there staring at him and said for him to just give it to me and I�ll give it to her because she�s not dressed. He looks at me like an idiot and declares �He�s not paying me.� I�m like what�.she said for me to get it for her, and he makes a noise and gives me the �whatever� and calls Jenny. I say she ain�t dressed and he still starts to come into the room, calling for her. The whole time Granny is behind him looking at me like she got a fucking problem�.like if I say something, she�d have his back, which means he told her I was his ex�and that pisses me off because I am sick of him doing that shit. Like they need to know who the fuck I am�.like they have the right to look at me like I�m some kind of degenerate because I�m there. Well, Jenny comes over and THEN Granny decides to go down the steps. Meanwhile, asshole his cutting his eyes at ME like I did something wrong. I was livid. I couldn�t even see straight, I was so pissed.

Who the fuck is HE to treat ME like that!?!? Who the fuck is SHE to look at ME like that?!?! WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE FUCKING WITH?!?!

All night this is in my head. All night I am having visions of going back to Jenny�s and kicking his fucking TV set in and trashing his shit. See, I know he talks shit about me when he tells them about me�he has to be by the way they act towards me without even knowing me. So I�m the bad guy, right? I�m the fuck up? I�m the one that did him dirty?

Of course I am�because he�s a perfect fucking angel and I�m some devil bitch that set out to ruin his life�.didn�t I tell ya�ll that?

Fucking asshole. Ruined my whole fucking night. Well�that and being a third wheel threw a wrench into my night. Jenny�s girl decided to come at the last minute, and well, Jenny spent most of her time entertaining her while I was guzzling Cuervo shots and beers at the bar on my own after Satan vanished for the night.

So yeah�Friday night was fucking AWESOME, right?

Saturday was uneventful, as all I wanted to do was sleep the day away, but I had to go into work. Etta was there, and it was cool hanging with her and talking about shit. I like talking to Etta. She�s cool. Even with all the shit that went down, I thought she was cool, and she turned out to be the only one that stuck by me, as everyone else set out to see me as the bad guy, the excuse, and the reason everything was happening. Yeah, her talking started it, but I said it knowing she was cool with Chuck, so what can I expect? What I didn�t expect was being hung out to dry by Bunny. While she�s still all buddy buddy with Chuck�the man that made her miserable, she barely speaks to me�the girl that sat around and listened to her cry about him for a year. And of course, he just thinks I�m an asshole. Weird how you find out who your real friends are, huh?

Anyway, so after the gab fest with Etta, I get a call from Ric on my way home. I am starting to think he has ulterior motives, but I�m thinking it�s because I rejected him that time and now he�s looking for revenge. A small part of me thinks he knows about me and Swiz, but I know they don�t talk much, so it can�t be that. He must just be horny, and like most niggas, he thinks I�ll be a sure thing.

Think again, babes.

I�ll flirt the live long day, but when the day is over, I am still in love with Swiz�and I would never sully that by fucking his boy�even if we aren�t together.

Besides, Ric�s fucking married! Shouldn�t he have grown out of this shit by now?

Speaking of Swiz, I called him Saturday to invite him to the BBQ, but he didn�t pick up�which I expected. I have learned not to expect much of anything from him. Whatever I do get�is just a fucking bonus.

Sunday was the BBQ at Leenie�s place. I tell you, I had so much fun doing nothing more than sitting in the sun than should be allowed. It was our whole Coastline crew, just sitting around and shooting the shit and listening to 80�s rock (to Leenie�s chagrin) while choke slamming Coronas. It was Heaven. I love those guys.

I�m a little worried about Leenie�s doctor�s appointment on Friday though. That�s when she�ll find out if her heart problem is serious or not, and what she might have to change in her life. Will we all still go out if she can�t drink or smoke anymore? Will we still have fun? Will we all still be friends? Well, I know me and Leenie will always be together (like ramma amma lamma domma donga da ding de doo�.sorry�.Grease flashback). She gave me all the beer and margarita mix she had left, and now my damn fridge looks like an alcoholic lives here.

Well�maybe there is�.but it doesn�t have to be advertised does it!?!?!

So my weekend was up and down, plagued by plots of Cowboy�s destruction and other transgressions that have befallen me, but I got through it without killing anyone. And even though my car is acting funny and wouldn�t start this morning, my happy disposition is back and I�m just letting all the bullshit roll off my back, because none of it is worth it. Right now, it�s all about love and motivation, and even if the two don�t someday coincide, it doesn�t matter.

I have them now.

And that�s all that counts to me.