birds in the sky, you know how I feel
June 07, 2004 � 1:50 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Sullen and crabby

I downloaded something that will hopefully take care of my computer pop up woes. My dad had it for me when I went to visit him and the Queen today. It was weird being there without Darryl, but as my mom cooked, we got into a political discussion�well�a religious discussion, and surprisingly, she didn�t freak out on me when I explained to her about how I don�t fully believe in the bible and all it�s contents being true. She actually listened as I told her about all the books missing and how the bible vilified women and how everything that gets translated loses meaning somewhere anyway. She further surprised me by telling me that she thinks that the only true (meaning unchanged and followed) religion is Judaism. As she said that, I started thinking about it�and maybe�I think I will look into the religion more closely and see what it�s all about.

Me�Jewish. I hear my gram crying from the grave already and I haven�t even really given it thought yet.

*sigh*

before I left. The Queen gave me a bag full of sexy panties she bought for me. She watched my face as I looked through them, and all I could think was, �Why is my mom giving me panties MEANT to be seen by a man?� They weren�t bad, but the obvious reason for them is to turn a man on in the bedroom.

If she would have bought me some red split crotch panties, I would have died.

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Saturday was the first time ever that I CHOSE not to go to the Coast with Leenie and the gang. I CHOSE to stay home alone and watch TV�and that breaks my damn heart. I don�t know why I didn�t want to go, I just didn�t want to go and be around her friends (no longer OUR friends in my eyes) and drink and smoke while she couldn�t. I felt bad for not going, but I really think I would have felt worse if I would have went. I called Jenny and passed the word on to her via her answering machine, but I don�t know if she went or not.

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Jenny.

She called me Thursday night while on her way to see Jeannie at work. I didn�t hear the phone ring, but the message she left me was so damn sweet that even though I didn�t want to call her back, I did.

We talked about 2 minutes before she pulled up at Jeannie�s job, and I was so damn annoyed that I told her I didn�t want to keep her and hung up. Why would she call me then? Why not when she was at home so we could have a real conversation?

She called me back when she had stepped out to smoke, but again, I didn�t hear my phone, and instead of calling my house phone, she just left another message telling me she would call me the next day. She has off until Wednesday, she said.

I haven�t heard from her since, not even to return the 4 calls I made to her today.

I�m not calling anymore.

It just pisses me off when I call and she doesn�t answer or call back. I feel like she looks and sees that it�s me and decides not to answer. I don�t know if that�s what she really does, but that�s what�s in my head. And I don�t want to be pissed at her�just temporarily distanced from her�so before anything happens to piss me the fuck off and make me run my stupid mouth, I can�t call her anymore. If she wants to talk to me, she knows where to find me.

I guess this will show me where I really stand with her.

Fucking great.

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Gigs got her apartment Saturday!!

Hurray!!

I had just talked to her earlier that day and told her to hold on�it would happen.

I called her back later that night and she told me she got the place and they were moving her stuff at that moment. I am so happy for her.

I hope she will find peace there away from her family.

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Saturday night, I broke down and called Swiz, and when he didn�t answer, I just knew it was over with. We never go longer than a month without seeing each other. I prayed to my angels to give me a sign it was over�to give me strength that I wouldn�t see him again�but to please�prove to me he cares in SOME WAY at least.

I didn�t cry. The loneliness was too heavy to even bother to cry.

So I curled up with a �video� for some alone time and then�my phone rings.

His ring.

We spoke for a minute and then he just told me he was coming through and to have the door unlocked. I said it already was. He laughed.

I was woken up by his cold hands touching my legs. We didn�t speak. We just moved.

And it was amazing.

He laid next to me afterwards and I put my arm around him, and when he didn�t pull away or move away but move closer, I liked to have died.

He stayed till this morning, hoping up suddenly because of the time saying he would be late for work. We smiled at each other and he left.

We made it past the one year mark. He has officially been around with me longer than Cowboy�much longer than most�and it doesn�t seem like we�re tired of each other yet.

Is that a sign or what?

I�m not totally blinded, though. Until we say something or make any steps, it can all just stop at anytime. He could just leave me at anytime.

But right now, he�s here

And that�s all I�ve ever wanted.