ascension
March 13, 2004 � 8:02 p.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Strong winds of change blowing

Well, it was a heart attack. She�s doing better now, though. Not much, but better. The have put her in a program where she will now be able to get her medicine, which is a fucking blessing because that what made her sick in the first place. Also, the doctor�s informed her that she is now only using 20% of her heart, a huge decline from last year which was 50%. She has to have a procedure done on Monday, a heart catheter, and that should let them know what to do from there. I�ve called her repeatedly to check on her, and she sounds better and can�t wait for me to come see her tomorrow. It�s strange, she�s been in the hospital before for stuff like this, but this time it really scared the shit out of me. Just like that, I have forgiven her. The past is the past. We have to move on from here and tomorrow I plan on telling her that.

Thank you all so much for the prayers and well wishes. I can�t tell you how much it all meant to me. You guys fucking rock.

_________________________________________________

I have become accustomed to being alone. I didn�t call any of my friends to tell them what happened, and I only tell them now when they ask me what�s going on. It was hard, but I think this is what I need to do�just crawl into myself for awhile and try to fix some of the things that are so wrong with me. I still don�t talk to Jenny much, and as sad as it sounds, I�m getting used to not talking to her or seeing her. I don�t expect much from her, and the more I think about it, maybe I always had expected too much, so when we had our �falling out�, it hurt like a bitch. I need to stop extending so much of myself to others�exposing too much of my weak underbelly, and then maybe�maybe�I can figure out what it really is to be independent and just have friends to be there�to be extensions of my life�not BE my life. Damn, that sounds sad, but right now, it really is how I feel.

___________________________________________________

Ha�last night, around 2am, my phone pulsed out �Knight Rider� and from across the room I started laughing. It was Swiz. Man, he is so fucking predictable. I knew he would come sniffing around about this time. This is �his time� to show up�right when I get to the point where I can almost utter out �Fuck him� and mean it. I didn�t answer the phone. I didn�t call him back, either. I just let the phone ring and then kept watching TV like it never rang. He didn�t leave a message or call back, so I have a feeling that he will either call again tonight or show up at the Coastline like he always does when he fucks up and thinks I�m pissed at him. If he does come, I will say what I have to say and be done with it. I don�t know what his response will be, and for the first time I don�t really care. I love him, I do, but the man I love is a man I created from pieces of him, not all of him, so it�s mine and mine alone. He can�t change it or take it away, so even if he walks away, I don�t care. I expect him to walk away. I don�t expect him to ever come back. I know it will probably hurt, but it can�t possibly hurt as much as this shit hurts, as much as his disregard hurts, so if he walks away, then it�s good riddance.

My love is the greatest thing anyone could ever have and if he doesn�t respect that or acknowledge that, then he can go the fuck on and live his life out in peace�just like I will try to live mine.

Wow, that sounds awfully grown up of me, doesn�t it? I don�t know. I seem to have tapped into some reserve strength that I didn�t know I had, and things that have been bothering me aren�t bothering me anymore. I seem to have become more focused. Since my baby came to visit, I have tried to start to get my life back on track�well�on track since it was never there to begin with. I hope I can keep the momentum going. I always seem to be sidetracked by bullshit, eventually.

Man, it has been a traumatic past few days. Life altering. I hope some good will come of it all.

Ah, I was finally able to put up my new template. Do you think I�ll get in trouble for it? I mean�you can�t really see much unless you really look. Whatchya think?

Well kiddos, I am off to drink like a sailor at the bar and try to unwind. Hopefully, I will have good news to report tomorrow when I get back home.

I love you guys.

Wish me luck.