the dance of angels
January 05, 2004 � 2:59 p.m.

First Entry Today

Today's Forecast: Chaotic with dread showers

So, here I am, back from the middle of creation where the angels dance to make the waves that rotate the world. The cruise was absolutely AMAZING!! As soon as the ship pulled away from dock, I felt the excitement rush in. I watched the world shrink away more and more with Jenny on the deck, and I felt as if I was leaving myself behind. It was the most wonderful feeling. Free. Free from me and all the things that were making me so miserable. Free...free at last.

And the water was so peaceful and beautiful...the most pure shade of blue I have ever seen. I loved it, completely loved it, and for the whole time I was out there, I could feel love surging through me. Love for my family, for my God, love for myself. Love, love, love supreme with an extra topping of happiness. As much as I griped about it, that cruise turned into the most wonderful experience of my life. I have never felt so much at home. Maybe I was a pirate in a past life.

I read Diary: A Novel by Chuck Pulahniuk was I was out there. If you have never read any of his stuff, or read this book, you HAVE TO READ IT!! The turn of phrase and imagry and thoughts provoked by it will astound you. I don't want to give any of it away, but if you read it, I promise you, you will love it. And of course, it got me wondering, are we really doomed to be who we are? Who was I in a past life? Am I really making the same choices and mistakes over and over again? Living the same life time after time? Was I a silly hearted, foolish, mediocre poet in each lifetime? I mean, it would make sense if I were. There are things I love that I can't explain why I love them or are attracted to them...things I do that I don't even understand the motives for, but feel right as I do them. I don't know. The book has really had me thinking, and not in a bad way, but in a exestencial "Who am I?" way.

I was dubbed as "that reading girl", "that writing girl", and "that girl always on deck 4 drinking and smoking" on the cruise. I was surprised at the amount of people that notcied me, more than that were curious about me and went out of their way to speak to ma and ask me what I was reading and writing.

We stayed in New Orleans over night when we came back and it was completely beautiful bedlam due to the Sugar Bowl. I mean, there was so many people everywhere...yelling and drinking and having fun. It was great. I didn't really get to go anywhere or do anything because I wasn't really feeling good, but that turned out to be okay because everywhere was fucking crowded as shit. There was no place to eat or frequent, though I did get to finally taste a Hurricane...and brought home the glass...which was smashed to hell by the airport assholes.

I came back last night and since then I walked through my door, all hell has broken loose. My house, for one, is a fucking total disaster. Dishes piled in the sink, shit all over the living room, not a damn thing to eat in the fridge...nothing. I was so damn pissed when I walked in I wanted to cry.

Back to life...back to reality.

Nothing is lost forever.

Darryl informed me that the sperm donor's wife has written us a three page guilt trip, informing us that he was in an accident and could have died and we should try to mend things with him. Yeah, fucking right. To bad the accident wasn't fatal...at least he would be out of this world and with the God he found and supposedly loves. We don't exist to him, and she has the nerve to write us and try to make us feel bad about that asshole? What the fuck is that?

Then I checked my messages and found out a friend of mine died of an overdose while I was gone and the world had been trying to get in touch with me to let me know. I have to contact the family and give my condolences and I'm totally clueless as to what to say. I haven't seen him in awhile, but I have always liked him and I am sad that he is gone, but honestly, I'm surprised he lasted this long. The way he was going, I thought he'd have died years ago. So yeah, it's a strange mixture of sadness and relief, because maybe, maybe...he has finally found peace.

R.I.P. Jay.

My car has an oil leak somewhere and the brakes have gotten worse. I have to come up with the money to get that all taken care of before that gets out of control. The tiles in my bathroom cracked and caused a huge leak in the place downstairs from me, so the maintance guy had to come in the crack of dawn and rip down my whole shower tile damn near to fix it, which is why I had to escape to Jenny's and jump on her computer and update a bit.

But oh no...that's not all...nope.

Four times....four times yesterday, I was buzzed by none other than Swiz, asking where I had been and he had been so worried because he hadn't heard back from me all the times he had called me. Apparently, he was calling me like a mad man while I was away, not knowing I was on the cruise and he thought something had happened to me. He was so frantic I had to laugh. Yeah, you...calling me after all of this time, concerned and worried...so frenzied that you came to my house to check on me and became even more desperate when no one answered...you who doesn't have feelings...you who have made me crazy...you called and sounded so fucking happy and relieved to hear my voice that it made me cry.

Crazy, terroistic, loveable you.

So I am back where I was before I left...confused and angry and consumed by the chaos. Back to my dreary, miserable life...trying to set things straight for once and for all. Back to being me.

But you know what?

Whenever I feel consumed or pissed, I close my eyes and hum...and I can feel the rock of the ocean and see the angels dancing on the water and rememeber that peace, that contentment...and when I open my eyes, I'm fine again.

And maybe that's all I have the right to ask for or desire...my own private reverie in my mind where all is peace and happiness.

Nothing is lost forever.

Not even me.