am I?
February 20, 2004 � 2:23 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Self conscious with periods of self loathing

Today has been a funky day.

Not funky like �Get down wit yo� bad self�, but funky like �blah�.

Let�s start with this stupid lip of mine. It�s big, it�s scarred, it�s throbbing, it�s ugly, and it�s drawing mad attention. If one more mother fucker blurts out stupid shit about it being a cold sore, I�m going to fucking sock �em one. I bit my lip, okay? I was fucking Swiz and the shit was so awesome that I was biting down on my lip to keep from screaming out the answers to the stupid questions he kept�plugging�me to answer. So yeah, I bit my lip, and being the asshole I can sometimes be, I didn�t let it heal and picked at it, and it made it worse. Now I look like someone jabbed the shit out of me, and instead of anyone being concerned that I got my ass kicked, they�re making jokes about me having herpes on my lip.

Does this kind of shit happen to everybody, or is it just me?

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Jenny emailed me today, but I didn�t respond.

Jenny called me today, but I didn�t answer.

Jenny IM�d me today, but I didn�t write back.

It sounds childish, but I really don�t want to speak to or see her right now. I went from being pissed to being hurt, and now I am just being childish and pathetic, because if I speak to her, I know I will say some foul shit that I will regret later. There�s no excuse for her to miss my birthday and she said that. And she�s sorry. I know she feels bad, but it�s not enough.

It�s not as bad as I feel.

I�ve listened to her message like 10 times, and ever time I want to call her, but I don�t. I really have nothing to say to her, and I know she has nothing to say to me to make things right so I figure I�ll just not speak to her until I get over it and we�ll go from there.

It�s seems dramatic to react this way, I know. It�s just a damn birthday, I know.

But fuck, it�s the only day of the year that is �MY DAY� and it hurts to be forgotten�to be overlooked�to be dismissed. It hurts to feel so unloved.

I know she�s sorry�but so what? It�s not enough.

She is my best friend. She should have known better. She should have remembered me.

She should love me enough to remember me�like I love her.

And I�m not saying she doesn�t love me�it�s just�I don�t know. I can�t explain it.

I�m just mad and hurt and confused right now.

I just hope I can get over it.

I mean, am I justified or just being a fucking baby about it?

jellybean: T? Are you there?

jellybean: Please talk to me

jellybean: I'm sorry........I fucked up.....

jellybean: I had every intention of calling you yesterday. I even set a reminder on my phone while I was at work..........

jellybean: (sighs) I fucked up. I don't deserve to be spoken to.

jellybean: good night, Thea. I'm sorry. I love you dearly.

I love you too, Jenny.

Just not as much right now.

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I had some stuff I wanted to write down, but I read AWomanAlone's entry before I started mine. It was to �Musical Lady�. I don�t know if it was meant for me or not, but it got me wondering�am I really that destructive? I went and read some past entries, and man�I really am a negative person. I sound so angry and so depressing and so dramatic in most entries�but it�s me. I read them and I remembered why I wrote them, and they are true. The feelings that come through on the pages are true. This really is me. I�m angry, lethargic, pessimistic, whiney and bitchy. I don�t see why anyone even bothers to read this shit because I sure as hell don�t like living this shit.

Is that how people who read me see me? This destructive idiot that keeps making the same mistakes? I don�t think so. I�m not all that bad�am I?

Some of the people I love do love me back�don�t they?

I can�t be that deluded�can I?

Am I?