all that we see or seem....
February 16, 2004 � 3:34 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Calm with a soft breeze of happiness

My birthday bar hop was off the fucking hook. Everyone came and made it the most wonderful, fun time ever! We danced we drank and we just had�so much delirious fun.

Did I say it was fun? Well it was.

Hell�they even got me to dance.

I was sitting there a bit upset though, because everyone kept asking me if Swiz was coming and he hadn�t showed up. I figured he wouldn�t come because he had said he didn�t have any money and was a bit pissed because I had told him he couldn�t come over, but when he didn�t show, I have to admit it hurt like a bitch.

Then�he was there.

He came up and hugged me and tears were in my eyes as I looked up at him and thanked him for coming. He just smiled and nodded and then pulled me back to him. I sank my face into his chest, and then I noticed that everyone was looking at us and smiling, so I pulled away and sat back and continued to drink and socialize. Everyone was looking at him though, studying him and trying to figure out where his head was at and what his intentions with me are, so I tried to deflect it the best I could.

Last dance came, and we went out on the floor and I danced in his arms, and I fell in love all over again.

As we were leaving, I noticed him and Sassy were over in a corner, and I couldn�t figure out what they were talking about and I started to get a bit jealous until I saw him look at me and then I heard him ask what she was getting at, and then I knew they were talking about me�or us�or what she knew about us, and I got pissed off. I mean, why does he have to do that? Why is he always making it obvious something is going on and then try to ask my friends if I told them anything? What does he want to know? Is he trying to figure out where my head is, or is he trying to hide what we do? And if he�s trying to hide it, then why the fuck does he make it so obvious there is something going on by bringing it up?

I don�t understand his ass at all, sometimes.

He came over, of course. And we had fantastic sex, of course. But then, he didn�t leave. I woke up this morning and he was still there. I was shocked as hell. We laid there a bit, both faking sleep, and as much as I wanted to snuggle up to him and start up a little something, I didn�t. I didn�t want him to be there. I didn�t want to see his sleepy morning face or hear his morning voice or taste his morning skin because I knew that it would be the death of me. I knew I would get lost in him forever. It�s bad enough I�m lost in him now�but the thought of going through this limbo bullshit forever was too much for me, so instead of turning to him, I turned away.

And it was torture.

And when he left�I felt as if I wanted to die�because I never know when I�ll see him again or what I am to him or�or if I�m anything to him at all really�when he is everything to me.

My brother and I went to Delaware to see the folks for my birthday dinner. It was nice. They gave me a diamond necklace, but my mom was upset because it wasn�t enough. I told her it was more than enough�and I meant it.

So far, I�ve had the best birthday yet.

And I haven�t even had it yet.