swiz swoon #4
October 07, 2003 � 7:43 p.m.

Second Entry Today

Mood-Dreamy

Sestinas- Danzig

"You dont't know how amazing you really are, do you?-Rush

Recurring thought-I love him, I love him, I love him, I la-ove him...don't you hate it when lyrics get stuck in your head?

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Realizing I have known Swiz since high school and I had a mad crush on him in ninth grade from the first time I saw him smile

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Would you believe me if I told you something?

Better yet...

would you remember me if I told you something?

I had a dream about you last night...about the first time I ever saw you. No...not at USSB. At Overbrook High School.

The first time I saw you was my freshman year in high school.

You were walking down the hall and I looked up from the floor long enough to catch a glimpse of you coming towards me and when you passed me I turned and watched you walk away. There wasn�t anything particularly spectacular about you...except your smile. I saw you smile at a group of girls and swing your arms to clap your hands together as you said something to make them laugh. In the dream I remember thinking "What a pretty smile." when you were walking towards me and "I wish he would smile at me like that." when you walked away.

When I woke up this morning, I remembered everything.

I remembered you.

It wasn't just a dream. I DID see you in high school. I used to see you everyday on my way to gym class, and if I didn't see you, I would linger in the hall and be late so I could see you. One time I was rushing to get to my "spot" so I could get a perfect view of you, and we ran right into each other. You grabbed my shoulders to keep me from bouncing back and apologized. Then you said, "You're always staring at the floor! Try using those pretty eyes to see the world, Speed Racer!" You smiled at me and chuckled before walking away, while I stood there stunned and turning 50 shades of red. You had spoken to me...had noticed me...you had smiled at me.

After that, I watched Speed Racer every night because I thought maybe you were watching it. I tried walking with my head up during the halls in case you saw me. And I stopped hanging out in the hall before gym so you wouldn't notice that I was waiting to see you everyday.

And that's why I forgot the whole thing.

For the first half of my freshman year, you were all I thought about, but after you noticed me and smiled at me, all I wanted to do was forget you because I thought I could never actually know you...better still, have you...and then you were gone. I never saw you or thought about you again.

Until I saw you again five years ago, walking down the hall towards me with that same smile and that same clap and flirtation with a couple of women that made them laugh and that same nervous gait of yours. This time, I was looking right at you and you smiled at me and I shyly smiled back, keeping eye contact even as you passed by me and chuckling when you turned back to see if I was still looking. I had no clue who you were. I just knew I had seen you somewhere before. I never guessed you were the same guy I had made an ass out of myself my freshman year for. Even when I went over to your house that time and all the guys I remembered from school were there and they confessed they had knew, heard of, or seen me in high school but always thought I was too quiet, I never put it together that you had been there at that time and that you had seen me. They all said they remembered me while you just sat there smiling at me, pulling my skirt closed over my thigh.

Did you remember me then?

Do you remember me now?

Do you remember the quiet fat girl that used to zoom down the hallways with my head down and my eyes glued to the floor that you would pass between 7th and 8th period down the gym wing?

That was me.

That was me that you had called Speed Racer and had stood there dumbfounded and blushing like an idiot when you smiled while touching my shoulders. I was the one that used to linger in the corner like some crazed fan...trying to look normal...like I was reading the bulletin board and not waiting to see you pass by and smile.

I was that girl.

I am that girl.

That's why I feel like I have known you for such a long time...why I feel so connected to you. That's why when we met the second time, we fell into conversation and friendship so easily. Some part of our brains remembered each other. Some secret chamber in my emotional storage bin remembered loving you even though I didn't know your name, and started it all over again.

I loved you before I even knew who you were.

It makes more sense now. I understand it a bit better now. I feel like I knew you before because in a way I DID know you in another lifetime...at least another life for me.

I can't believe I didn't remember that.

Do you remember me, now?

It doesn't matter, love...doesn't matter at all...

because I remember you...

and I know I will remember you for the rest of my days.