cowboy convo#22
October 07, 2003 � 2:54 p.m.

First Entry Today

Mood-Happily munching on some golden grahams cereal

L.O.V.E.-Musiq Soulchild

I've never been as happy as I am when I'm with you."Ben Kirkley

Recurring thought-So it all started in high school...damn...

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Realizing just how broke I really am in waves...

I can't even get a pack of smokes...

Hell...I can't even afford a fucking soda at work!!!

Life sucks!!

****************************************************

Well, well, well playa...how's it hangin'?

I don't really know why I am here right now. I guess partially to gloat and partially to pity.

But mainly...I'm here to gloat.

You know...I understand the reasoning behind the break up. That has been realized and accepted already. I just can't get over how much it amazes me that I was ever with someone like you! I mean, you're a loafer, a pilferer, a freeloader, lazy, uninspired, messy, misguided, a liar, an egotist, and a cheat. All of these things describe you. All of these things I knew about you, but I loved you still and pushed these attributes to the background while fighting to keep your virtues in the foreground.

Your virtues are way out numbered by your faults, but they were good ones...until they were all exposed as lies.

All but three. You're a good writer, actor, and father.

The rest...were just illusions.

Illusions apparently your little white girlfriends ain't trying to see right about now. Your game is slipping, homie. You had to be on your shit while you were with me and it was just too much, huh? You thought you could go back to the white girls where it was easy to game them as long as you threw them some attention every now and then and some dick when they wanted it.

Well as you found out with me, your dick game comes up short waaaaaaay too often to rely on that, and thankfully, a lot of white chicks are getting hip to tired ass nigga game. So your whole repertoire has been shot to shit.

You gots to come up some, son.

You're losing the race big time.

So how does it feel to realize your not "The Man" you thought yourself to be...or the one that you used to be? Damn...I mean...rejected twice since our breakup! Shit! That's got to hurt! That's got to be one hell of a blow to the ego, huh?

Tee hee! Poor baby. Heh heh.

I'm fucking Swiz now on a regular basis. Yeah...the one you were worried about when we were going out. Well..."acting" worried about. And yeah...he is WAY better than you and so far, guess what?

No lies!

*gasp* What a fucking novel concept, huh?

Yeah, he is not "mine", but as I HONESTLY told you in the beginning, that's not what I need...not what I want...as long as you give me honesty...everything else will fall into place. When I think of all the time and energy and love I wasted on you when all you had to do was be honest from the get go, I just want to smash your fucking face in.

But you're not worth it, at all.

The only thing I have involved myself in since the tragedy formally known as US, has turned out to be the best thing ever for me. The most intense feelings I have ever encountered. The best sex. The most honest.

I have butterflies even when I just think about him.

Have you ever had that? Have you ever given that?

Is it perfect? No...not by a long shot. Will I probably get hurt? More than likely. Will I regret it?

Not on your fucking life, buddy.

How many girls that you have been with can you name that would say that same thing about you?

From what I know...none.

I won the battle.

You ran me down, gutted me and scoffed at my bleeding, leaving me for dead without a backwards glance, but I was able to gather myself together and find a safe place to heal and when you least expected it, I came up form behind and won it all.

I have won. I have triumphed. I have overcome.

I know I should be a gracious winner because life does have a way of flipping shit without notice, but fuck that. Fuck you. You thought you had gotten over on me and then you have the nerve to gloat and flaunt your new life in front of me, teasing me like I was some loser that would never reach the place you are, and you were right. I will never be where you are.

I will never allow myself to get that low.

You were right, though.

The guy that gets me will be a lucky guy and you never did deserve me...and yes...you will always regret what transpired between us because you will have to witness MY life and envy the place I am in.

I am better than you.

You are a fucking loser and everyone is starting to notice it.

I won the battle you waged between us...

and I am slowly attaining my peace.

Eat your fucking heart out!!