swiz swoon #12
November 26, 2003 � 7:52 p.m.

First Entry Today

The one that you love and the one that loves you are never, ever the same person.

How true�how sad and true.

I was laying in bed last night, toting my ciggy, listening to Dave Matthews, and inherently lingering on thoughts of you.

This was the time I dreaded�the time I have been waiting for�the time that, in spite of what everyone thought of my intelligence or intentions, I always knew would come.

The time we say good-bye.

Everyone thought that I was being foolish and blind and na�ve. Everyone thought I had this unspoken hope of you leaving her for me and us living happily ever after. Everyone thought I didn�t know what I wanted or what I was doing�but did�I always knew�

I always knew that if or when you let go of her, you would be letting go of me to because who the hell wants to go from one set of shackles to another? In love or not, giving up your freedom again after being locked down for so long is not a novel concept for anyone, and anyone that thought that I thought otherwise is a fucking moron.

I love you, yes, but I have never been deluded in my loving you.

Everyone needs to realize that there are big differences between what is said, what is written, what is implied, and what is known. It doesn�t really matter what I have written or said or implied because they were all only fractures of what I knew.

I knew what we were doing was flat out wrong.

I knew that I was making excuses.

I knew that you were using her and me as an excuse.

I knew that when you left her you would also leave me.

I knew�I know�with all that was said, written, and implied by you that you DO love ME�and I knew that it would have to remain unspoken and I knew that it would be enough for me to just know it.

I also know, though, that what is happening now doesn�t necessarily foreshadow what may happen later�

I know that the cosmos is not done with us.

I miss you, though. With every increment of breath I take in and envelopes this universe, I miss you and want you and need you and love you.

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love�I love you.

I say that. I write that that. I imply that. I know that.

I love you.

And that�s all that needs to be said, written, implied, believed, and known by everyone else.

I love you.

Everything else�is just fluff.