swiz swoon #11
November 22, 2003 � 5:36 p.m.

First Entry Today

It is once again Saturday.

The other Saturday.

Funny, I sit here, with my stomach fluttering like crazy�with my mind racing and my heart skipping beats�my hands wringing habitually�all because there is a slim chance that I MIGHT see you.

As eager as I am to see you, hear you, hold you, taste you�I am twice as hopeful that I will NOT see you, hear you, hold you, or taste you at all�

because maybe if I don�t then maybe the pallor will fade and the call will diminish and the pull will become weaker in your stead�so one day I will wake up and not want you and not need you and not love you.

Yeah. One day.

One day I will be strong and I will admit to myself (and make myself listen) that you are not mine though I am yours, and if you really wanted to be mine, you WOULD BE MINE instead of being your girl�s excuse.

You can�t be with me because of her.

You can�t need me because of her.

You can�t love me because of her.

You can�t be happy, then, because of her�and I say that because I see the misery on your face when you leave and I hear the heaviness in your voice when you speak of her and I know that even though you have this insane notion to salvage what you have with her, you REALLY don�t want to be with her at all�and maybe that�s why I tolerate you as much as I do.

You are as much her slave as I am yours, and I understand that�I understand the need�the desire�to belong to someone that doesn�t really love you�because you once loved them and you still foolishly believe that a promise is a promise and �I love you� is a promise that you made long ago that you just don�t have the heart to break�

so you break my heart instead, sure in there being no verbal promises made�but when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise to that person�even if you do not�

and I let my heart be broken because it is done without malice and the fact that you try your damnedest not to hurt me and save my heart from your infidelity to her and me makes me love you more. In the end you are cheating the both of us because neither of us has ALL of you�though I revel in the knowledge that I hold the most important part�your secrets, your hopes, your dreams.

Damn�now I find myself hoping to see you tonight, because I just reminded myself of the reason why I like being with you in the first place.

I want to see you because I love you, and that never is a promise that I wish to break.