swiz swoon #10
November 17, 2003 � 8:08 p.m.

First Entry Today

NEVER LISTEN TO YOUR LOVE�S WORDS. JUST LOOK INTO THEIR EYES AND FEEL THEIR HEART.

That seems like such a stupid way to live�to exist�but when I heard that come from the television, I sat up and buried my face in my hands�as if they were talking to me, or talking about me�as if they were using me as an example as what could happen if you do such a thing.

Because that is exactly what I do.

I rarely listen to you. You speak and I smile, secretly fascinated by the intonation�imagining your breath on my skin as you say�well�whatever it is you are saying that I�m not sure of and don�t care about because all I care about is the fact that you are speaking�to me�and what you are saying really matters not.

Just as long as you form those lips and noise dances from them, I couldn�t possibly care less about their meaning.

It�s like I�m under a spell.

I never listen to what you say, but when I look into your eyes, I feel what you mean. Lips lie�words deceive�but eyes�no matter how someone might try�eyes do not lie. Eyes cannot hide the secrets that words try to shroud and distort.

I look into your eyes and I see confusion. I see pain. I see admiration. I see compassion. I see pleading. I see love.

In short, I see a reflection of me.

Some ask how and why I love you, and when I give them the answer, they look at me with pity and disbelief.

I love you because I know you love me.

It really is that simple.

How much you love me or even in what way you love me, I am not sure of and I care not.

I just know that when I look into your face�into your eyes�I see love�for me�and that�s all I ever think about when I am alone. I think of your eyes and the sound of your voice. Sometimes I feel you calling me over the space that separates us, and chills run through me and I send my reply back to you twice as strong, willing you to feel me�to feel my heart�willing you to know that I am thinking of you, missing you, wanting you, and loving you�always.

Your heart calls out to me and my entire being lilts as my heart sings back in response.

I feel you near me when you are far away and I see your soul when your eyes mist over and try to hide it�but your words�I don�t hear them at all�only the rise and fall in the vibrations of your voice�that is all�that is all.

I never hear a word you say because your eyes always say something else more pleasing to hear�

but�I can�t help but sometimes wonder�

if your eyes show a reflection of me, am I really seeing what your heart is feeling�

or am I just seeing my own?

I am not making any sense. I never make any sense anymore.

The only time I make sense is when I am with you, and you touch me and understand even though I can�t form the will to say the right words.

As fucked up as it is, being with you is the only thing in this world that makes sense to me right now.

Together we make sense�even if these words I have sent to you here do not.

I know YOU know what I mean.