sink or swim
June 24, 2004 � 1:23 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Confused with a current of sadness

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My poor Lola was in a car accident. Some asshole cut her off on route 70 and she ran into the back of his truck. Her car isn�t completely totaled, but it�s pretty fucked up. She�s ok, though, so that�s good. We were on the phone for over an hour. I really like Lola. She�s turned into a really good friend.

What is the saying? Out of adversity comes goodness?

She�s the best thing that�s come along in a long time.

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Jenny called today.

She has been reprieved. Apparently, I called her Saturday night in my drunken stupor and told her I would call HER and confirm us meeting up yesterday. She figured I didn�t want to get together when I didn�t call. So it was my fault. She was really sweet when she called and we stayed on the phone for like 45 minutes.

I feel so confused about how I feel about her. I don�t know what to do or what to believe. We never hang out anymore. We never talk anymore.

But when we do�I make everything feel alright.

I wonder if everything really is alright and I�m just making it NOT be alright.

I can be such a drama queen sometimes.

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I write a lot more in my Live Journal now. I mainly write all my sentimental Swiz bullshit and melancholy Jenny blues there. I like writing there�it feels freer there�like I can ramble on and on and not be condemned for it. No one ever really comments there, and because I never mention names, no one knows who or what the fuck I�m talking about. It�s kinda cool being all cryptic and mysterious and shit. Now that was a poetic way of putting it, wasn�t it?

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I love how since I started writing here, I have met ad connected with some of the coolest people. Poppy, Angel, Alana�I adore you guys. You always say the perfect things. I plan to start bonding with the rest of my obsessions�mainly Chickpea, whom I have come to really admire a lot. I don�t really have anywhere to go with this�except that�I don�t know�it�s just way cool to feel so close to folks so far away that I barely know.

Yeah�very cool indeed.

Thanks guys.

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I came home and the house was all cleaned up and my brother was gone. I sat around for an hour just looking at everything.

That's all. There's no point, here.

I just want to remember this.

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A guy I work with gave me a giant Tigger stuffed animal yesterday. I damn near danced a jig as I jumped up and down with glee and hugged it to my chest. He just looked at me and smiled...the same "silly rabbit" smile my brother usually gives me when I get all geeked up over something stupid.

I am still just a big kid inside.

Three guesses on what I named him...

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So I have been rallying up my courage for the big Swiz push off.

Haven�t I been here before? Didn�t I try this before? Didn�t I think it would work before?

And didn�t it all blow up in my face when he came back?

Why the fuck does he keep coming back?

If I could answer that�if I knew why he kept coming back to me for sure�then maybe I really could walk away and make a clean break of it and never look back. Why is my love for people like chains that pull me under the surface of the ocean? Deeper and deeper I sink�with my lungs filling with water and my heart pounding slower and slower�and just when I feel the delicious release of death, someone pulls me back up so my head is just above water long enough to gasp for air before they let me go and I start to drown all over again. That�s what love feels like to me. Isn�t that sad? Or is that how everyone feels? Is that what love does to everyone?

Is love really like constant death�pain and exhilaration all twined up and confused?

I really am going to try to make it stick this time. No matter how much I might swoon and babble about him here, I will say my peace and keep my distance. I have to try to move on�and let him go for good. I can love him forever�I just can�t live like this without him loving me. Even if he just loved me a little, I would be content�but from all that�s going on�I don�t think he does anymore�if he ever really did.

I just hope HE lets ME go this time.