what the fuck, yo?!?!
April 13, 2004 � 1:43 a.m.

so here i am...drunk off my ass. and im loving it. my food is warming up in the microwave, so i thought i'd update. why the drinking, thea? i'll tell you.

swiz, the little bitch, called jenny tonight. my jenny. my lesbian, he called her and said he wanted to hang out. how he got her number? we dont know. but he called and she told me and i got off the phone with her, drank some rum and apple juice and called his bitch ass cell phone from my home phone, which is a number he dont know.

ok, so apparently i'm a liar and a freak in the bed and paranoid. so i asked if i was just a fuck slut to him. no tee, i'd never see you like that. so i'm a liar? no tee, not exactly, just not totally truthful. so you don't want to fuck around no more? no, i'm not saying that...but maybe...seeing as how it effects you, i shouldn't. so we aint fucking no more right? what are you asking, tee? i'm asking wht the fuck is haapening!! why are you calling my frineds and trying to kick it to them when we're fucking aroudn? oh...so they DO know huh? do i mean anything to you? you know you do, tee. so we're done with all the other shit rigfht? we'll talk about it at a later date. huh? we'll talk about it at a layter date. tell me something, swiz. it's not what you think, girl. we'll talk at a later date.

yeah...so five rum and apple drinks later, i am here, bummed the fuck out, wondering why my so called freinds are making this shit more comeplicated by opening their fucking mouths, and why he cares!! this love shit sucks. and i do love him and after 45 fucking minutes of around the rosie with is ass, i know he feels something...but what? why all the complications? why the bullshit? i hate being drumnk and alone. i kindA made out with jen saturday, and by god, if i had a chance in hell, i would sooooooooo be with her in that way. i love her as i love him, but at least i have my love for her under control. he'll call me in a month and i ll let him come and fuck me and pretend its all cool, because something is better than nothing, but danm...am i that ugly? that fat and undesirable that he cant just love me? why the fuck not? even fat ugly bitches need love! why cant he love me?

why cant i love myself enought to let go of him

14 fucking years thats why. 14 fucking years of harboring some kind of love for him wont let me walk. beacxues he cant walk either. freak or no freak, that means something....right?

im drunk folks. excuse the drunken sililoquy, and forgive me whne i write of my love for him tomorrow,because im an assshole...in love with an asshole...and nether one of us is strong enought to just pull free. does he love me? i dont know. maybe tomorrow, ill see it more clearly.

until then im drunk and cryiong, hating and loving ads i hate and love myself.

somebody fucking kill m,e please.

t bird..over and out.