smelling the flowers
March 22, 2004 � 1:17 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Restless and meditative

My brother brought pretty pink hyacinths home from work this morning.

He worked all last night while I stayed awake not really doing anything�but totally unable to wind down to go to sleep. When I finally did drift off past 7am, I didn�t get out of bed until 3pm, at which time I wandered into the living room to see a pretty pink bush like thing sitting on my table. I don�t know why the sight of the flowers disturbed me, but they did. I avoided them as best I could all day�stupid, pretty, pink flowers!

I was just lazing on the couch, not watching TV really, but staring at it intently�as if it was the most fascinating thing in the world to me�when a strange smell drifted past my nose. It wasn't unpleasant, no�just different. I changed the direction of my gaze to my fairy poster, suddenly feeling incredibly lonely and uneasy.

I miss him. I miss her. I miss who I am when I�m with them.

Miss Missing Them�that�s who I am�feeling worthless and abandoned as I sit staring at the poster and puffing on my third cigarette in a row. I stubbed out the ciggy, and was again accosted by the strange smell. I reached over and picked up the plant and stared at it. It really is pretty�ten different shades of pink swirling throughout the five little flower bushes�and suddenly�I�m smiling.

I am smiling and sniffing the flowers�turning them around and around in my hands�enchanted by the kaleidoscope of colors. Yes�smiling and sniffing the flowers.

Then I had the strongest urge to see the ocean. Yesterday was such a lovely day and I was stuck at work, and all I wanted to do was go to the ocean and watch the waves rock for hours�watch the angels dance across the ocean�

And now I am yearning to be out in the middle of the waves again and watching that dance�yearning for that beauty�for that peace I had I when I was out there�oh yes�craving that beautiful, blissful peace�to turn back time and grab hold of that moment again�and not make the mistakes I�ve made since I came back home�with Jenny�with Swiz�with myself.

I am sitting here smiling�sneaking glances at the pretty, pink hyacinths that are invading my melancholy world with their smell�their beauty�their innate peace.

Sitting here smiling�and smelling the flowers�momentarily not worrying about him, her, and me.

Stop and smell the flowers�

no more honest philosophy has ever been uttered than this.

You should try it sometime.