can I steal a little love?
February 10, 2004 � 4:52 p.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Bitterness with tears and remorse moving in tonight

I see a few new people have dropped in to read my so-called life. Stay a spell�I hope you enjoy. And apparently I am a googlewhack, too, for the word Ubliet. Hmmmm�.

So let�s see�updating�

I�ve noticed that since I have to do third party entries, my entries as of late have sucked. I don�t know. Something about it breaks my concentration and I just end up spewing random, nonsensical bullshit. Or it could just be my mind. My mind has been all over the place as of late. Every since I came home from the cruise, I have been finding that it�s harder for me to focus and concentrate and remember things. I�m always scattered and irritable nowadays, and I am back to getting like no sleep again. Catching only about 3 hours of good sleep before having to drag my ass out of bed and into the hell known as work. And I don�t even want to get started on work. It�s not even the job right now. It�s the people. I find out more shit every day and the fact that I know most of it has come out of Jack�s mouth both hurts and pisses me off. He has always portrayed me as the bad guy to other people around here, and he�s the one that is doing ME dirty�not the other way around. This time, something got back to me that only he knew about so only he could tell, and why he even told it to this person, I have no fucking clue.

I can�t even be mad anymore, though. I just don�t care anymore. I mean, I�m supposedly the one that�s two faced and a back stabber and a bitch, but it�s funny how people are only acting that way towards me. I never told anyone�s secrets, I never ran anyone�s name in the dirt to get ahead, and just because I come in to work and not speak to anyone unless I�m spoken to, that doesn�t make me a bitch. At least, not in my book. These people haven�t SEEN bitch yet.

And this shit is coming from people who call me their �friend� to my face. These are the people that �love� me.

Yeah, okay.

This guy that I haven�t seen or talked to for like two years called me up out of the blue last Friday. When he said his name I had to pull my cell from my ear and stare at it. Hot Lips said he had passed my old house (which he had only seen once late at night for a few seconds�how he remembered which one was mine, I�ll never know) three weeks ago and just had to call me. To see how I was doing. After all this time he still had my number in his cell. He still remembered the color of my eyes. He remembered how I sound when I laugh. And he still remembered what it was like to kiss me. In fact, that was the only thing he talked about�the time he kept trying to kiss me and I wouldn�t let him and then he was finally able to steal a kiss�and it was one of the best kisses he had ever had.

I just sat there after he said that, at first flattered and then annoyed, because I realized that I was not the girl that got away to him, I was the girl that he couldn�t get to fuck him�and I could tell that his ego didn�t take that blow well. Still, he remembered me, and that did mean something, so when he asked to swing by my place to see me, I told him where I lived (well, sorta�I just told him to call when he got there and I�d come out) so we could see each other.

I come home from work and he is sitting on the steps of the leasing office I told him to look for when he called. He scared the living shit out of me! He was like �Hey sweet thang,� and I just kept walking like nothing was said, but then he said, �Oh, it�s like that, hot lips? You just going to pass me by after I came all this way to see you?� I turn back to look at him, and before it could register, he jumped down the steps, pulled me into his arms, and planted one on me something fierce. He pulled away looking all pleased with himself, and all I said was, �Didn�t I say 8:00?!?!� as pissy as I could manage. He apologized and said he came out earlier because he wouldn�t be able to make it later on and he didn�t want to just not show up at all, so he came and sat near the office, figuring I lived close to it and would have to pass him or something when I got home.

What is it with me and the fucking stalkers? I thought only pretty girls and movie stars got those. Damn.

He was cuter than I remembered�.and shorter than I remembered�and a lot better kisser than I remembered�.but that fear he made me feel before was still there. Like I shouldn�t trust him. Shouldn�t be anywhere alone with him. Shouldn�t let him see where I live. I don�t know what it is about Hot Lips, but something makes me uneasy inside even though there is like mad attraction there. I don�t know.

Knowing my dumb ass though, I�m sure I�ll ignore it and eventually do something absolutely stupid with him. I�ll keep you posted.

Then, I was on my way to drop my brother off at work and head on over to Jenny�s to stay the night so she could take my car in to get it worked on, and guess who calls?

Swiz.

I know, he�s been just chock full of surprises lately, hasn�t he?

Well prepare for a few more�.

He was calling to see what I was doing that night. He said he was with his family and his daughter and he thought of me and thought he could get away a bit later and come through. He said it was the first time he had been able to sit still for a while and the first person he knew he needed to call and catch up with me. He told me what they had did that day, and about his aunt that was visiting and stuff he did with his daughter and how he was going to the car show the next day�and he just wanted to call me early to see if I wasn�t busy to see if he could come see me.

You just don�t know how badly I wanted to turn the car off and just stay at home like fuck it, and wait for him to come by. But I didn�t.

I didn�t jump this time.

Instead I told him I was going out and wouldn�t be home for the night. He sounded so crestfallen! He asked what I would be up to, and I told him I was going to Jenny�s and he perked up a bit. Said he might come by to see me there�or just come Sunday night to see me. We talked a bit longer, and I am so proud that I didn�t take the bait when he asked, �Do you want to see me?� Instead of saying yeah, I just asked him the same question. When he said, �Of course�I�ve been thinking of you so much lately�I just had to call�I can�t explain it�� I was blushing and grinning so damn hard like an idiot that my cheeks were hurting. We hung up and my brother, who was half sleep in the passenger seat, chuckled and looked at me. �Tired of the game, eh sis?� he asked. I brushed the sudden tears off my cheeks and said, �Yeah man�I think it�s time to hang it up before it hangs me up.� He just patted my leg and fell asleep while I drove him in, thinking of course of Swiz�wondering what on earth made him call and knowing with all my heart�I wasn�t going to see him�that night�or Sunday night.

Instead I got a call around 4 am while I was watching TV at Jenny�s house. Just calling to see what I was doing, if I was in the area�if I was alone�which I wasn�t. He asked why I was so quiet and if I was disappointed and I told him I was�I did want to see him but it was cool that I couldn�t. The he surprised me by bringing up my birthday bar hop on V-day, making sure we were still going and all. I told him yes, but that he didn�t have to come because I hadn�t known at the time that it would be Valentine�s Day and if he had something else to do�or someone else to be with�that it would be cool and he didn�t have to come. �Oh hell naw, I ain�t doing nothing that night. No one to go see instead. All I got to do that night is come there and be with you for your birthday. Nothing else really matters.� I sat there speechless, trying to form the words�but I couldn�t. He just ended by saying he wouldn�t be coming tonight, and he wasn�t sure about the next night, but he will definitely be there for me on Saturday�and I liked to die.

Please, please�just let that dream stay a dream!!

I have the computer and I just have to work on getting it set up and stuff. My DSL kit was delivered today and the service will be on the line on Thursday�so soon�very soon�I will be back online. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh�.I can�t wait!!

Jenny got Sylvie all fixed and now I have breaks again!! Yeah!! I love Jenny!!

Another thing�Cowboy surprised me this weekend by joking around and stuff like that with me. He still hasn�t given me my shit. I think he�s smoking way too much weed�or selling it�or getting high on something else besides weed�because I can see something different about him. I know he�s up to something.

And I know that when he invited me up to his room to play some capture the flag game on the Game Cube, that that wasn�t the only scoring he was planning on doing.

Funny, it�s either all or nothing with the men in my life. Everything I don�t need from the guys I don�t want, and nothing I want from the guy I do.

Someday�one day�I�ll get it right.

Right?