escape is never the safest plan
February 05, 2004 � 4:34 p.m.
First Entry Today
Today�s Weather: Angsty with Melancholy winds from the west
I have a feeling that my Golden days are soon coming to an end. Hopefully, I will have my computer up by next Friday and it will still be on there so I can make a payment and keep my pictures on file.
Donations are definitely welcome. I�m a po� black bitch and I have no problems with charity. Hell, I�ll even dance a jig and call you massa� for it.
Yeah�I�ll probably get my �Black Card� revoked for saying that one.
Anyway kiddos, I finally have my computer in my possession!! Yup, just a few more days and I will spend my nights surfing the web instead of watching porn or having sex with the wrong guy�again. Ah�be happy for me!! I have made a couple of templates, but when I get the computer at home, I think I�m just gonna go plum crazy with the template making!! That and catching up with my friends all around the world.
Anything to keep from sleeping in my jacked up, lopsided, and lonely bed every night.
Angel just got a new bed and I am soooooo completely jealous!! I SO need a new bed. Even Jenny is picking up her old waterbed from her parents house and she�ll have a fat sorta new bed to sleep in. Ohhhhhhh�jealousy is a bitch!!
In just 13 more days I will be 28 years old, and that�s all I have to say about that.
I keep having these whacked out dreams about Swiz. I fear that I might say something I shouldn�t next time I see him�like tell him to tell me it�s over and then confess my love for him after he does. It sounds confusing, but it works in the dream, and the scary part is that it all seems so real that I wake up thinking that I already said it for real. See, I pull him away from our friends and I ask him to just kiss me and tell me it�s over so I can move past it all instead of always waiting for him and something that will never happen. He hesitates, but then he does it, and then I just blurt out that I love him. I tell him I love him and I�m not telling him that because I want anything from him, but that I�m telling him because I HAD to tell him to get it out of my system and because sometimes it just makes people feel better knowing that somewhere out there someone loves them unconditionally for no reason at all. The whole time I�m talking he just stands there, looking as if he wants to crawl out of his skin, so I just finish by rubbing his arm and saying we had fun, goodbye, for him to take care of himself and I start to walk away slowly, but he looks up and reaches out and says wait�and I wake up every time just as I turn around and his hand grabs mine.
What the hell does that mean? I have been having that same damned dream all fucking week and it�s always the same and nothing ever changes in it and it always feels real to me�like it�s happening and I�m standing by watching it�every night�.every night. I�ll either end up telling him for real or he won�t come to my birthday bar hop at all and I�ll be devastated because this stupid dream is setting me up for something that I don�t understand. But that�s just it, during the day I don�t think about him at all. I don�t have the phone constantly sitting where I can see it, and I�m not waiting for it to ring during the obscure hours of the night anymore. It�s like�like I know I love him�but I don�t�need him�anymore. I don�t know.
Could it be I�m over him�well over it�the idea of being with him?
I don�t know.
Maybe with all the other bullshit I have going on with work and backstabbing so called friends and another lonely valentine�s and birthday, I�m just daydreaming of telling someone I love them�and having the hope that�
�that they just might love me back�
after all.