she is so�.ugh!!
February 03, 2004 � 6:12 p.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Cold and Bitchy with periods of Sadness

So this weekend was awesome.

Friday night we braved Philly once again (Jenny and I ALWAYS get lost when we go to Philly�no matter how great and simple the directions are) to go to the Barbary to drink with Satan and the rest of his worshipers. It was so much fun! Nothing but a bunch of rockers and metal heads (and drunks) all sitting around shooting the shit and occasionally singing along with the rock tunes that exploded from the juke box. Jenny stood there beautiful, all smiles with her beer in one and cigarette paused between two fingers on the other one, twisting her hips slightly as she rocked her head to the beat. �That�s what I love about you, T-bird,� she yelled over the music, �No matter where we go, you fit right in. A hip hop club, a metal club, a lesbian club�wherever�you always seem right at home.� I smiled a drunken smile at her and nodded. I love hanging out with Jenny. A lot of guys were checking her out, and the drummer came and wound up sticking by her side most of the night talking about how much he loved feet.

Yeah�feet. Fucking freak.

I, on the other hand, got scoped by the guitar player Jay, and he would be attentive one second and obtrusive the other. Just my luck, right? But he was cute. And drunk, which was probably why he was so distracted. But he brought me a couple of beers and was all sweet and kissy most of the night, so it was cool. We left from there pretty late, or early depending on how you consider night and morning, hit up the 24 hour McDonald�s for some insanely addictive nuggets, and Jenny crashed at my place for the night.

So all in all�Friday night was fun.

Saturday night was Leenie�s night, and we all headed up to the Coastline to celebrate her birthday. Fred finally brought his brother Irving with him, who seemed to avoid me most of the night because I think he had it in his head that I was after him or something. Leenie cut her hair short into a �mommy� cut, and now more than ever she reminds me of Miranda from Sex In The City. I was sitting at the bar alone when someone came up and wrapped their arms around me from behind. I jumped and whirled around and there he was�

�Swiz.

He smiled and hugged me and his boy stepped up and hugged me, the whole time I was confused, wondering how the fuck he knew we�d be there and why he�d come. I was sure he didn�t know it was Leenie�s birthday�so why did he come? We barely spoke to each other. In fact, we seemed to avoid close proximity altogether. Finally, he came and sat next to me and said he was sorry. �I knew you�d be mad at me. I never do shit like that. Normally, I hear the fucking doorbell and it wakes me up�and I felt so fucking stupid. I am so sorry. And then I heard your message and I knew you were pissed and if I called you, you�d probably curse me the fuck out, and I didn�t want to have you yelling at me�.so�I didn�t �and I know that was just worse�damn�I didn�t mean to�I knew if I came here I�d see you face to face and it would be so much easier to�see you�to apologize�� I sat there looking at him while actually looking through him, and out of nowhere I felt my eyes begin to sting and I had to look away. I don�t know if I was pissed because he didn�t call, relieved because he was there, confused by his apology, or sad because I knew he�d be going again. All I knew was that I wanted to cry. I wanted to fall into his arms and cry�tell him I loved him�and ask him to never leave me. Instead of making an ass out of myself that way, I just reached over and touched his leg saying, �You still should have called. That was just fucked up.� And my voice cracked at the end and I felt my eyes puddle, so I turned away when he reached for me and was about to say something and guzzled down the rest of my Corona. He pulled his hand back, lowered his head, and then got up and went out to the floor to dance with Leenie and Suki.

I will never know what he was about to do or say before I turned away�and that fucking sucks.

We didn�t say much the rest of the night to each other, but talked up a storm to everyone else. Sometimes we would look up at each and then quickly look away, embarrassed. Though we didn�t say much, he kept his arm around my chair when he stood by me�touching my hair, rubbing my back, or kneading my earlobe between his two fingers�and I always had arm around his waist or a hand placed on his body somewhere�always linking to each other somehow, we were�while we said nothing and could barely stand to look at each other�separate but together. We are always separated but together in some strange way.

The last dance was �Oh La La La� by Teena Marie, and we both smiled and said how much we loved the song at the same time. We stared at each other. I walked over him and he leaned down to me instantly, putting his hands on my waist as I raised my arms and wrapped them around his neck, and we just danced. He nuzzled his nose into my neck as I hummed in his ear, and for a brief moment, life�was perfect. Everything was beautiful. We swayed in each other�s arms, finally yielding as he relaxed against me and I sighed and floated in his embrace.

When the song ended, he held my hand tight, and to my feet he said, �I�ll be in touch�soon.� And to his chest I nodded and said, �Soon.� Then we parted and left out the building separate ways. I haven�t heard from him since.

I don�t expect I�ll be hearing from him for a long time�and for the first time, it doesn�t bother me.

I love him�and no one can change that or take what I love about him away from me�not even him�not even me.

So Saturday was, all in all, a good night.

Sunday we woke up and had to trek to Philly to take mom out for her birthday dinner. (So many fucking birthdays in January and February�.sheesh!!) She gave me and the bro retarded ass directions and we ended up�yup, you guessed it�lost in fucking Philly during the car show on Super Bowl weekend. Talk about sucking ass. We finally found our way there (through sheer luck, mind you) and sat down to a big dinner at 3801 with my mom and her friends and my uncle (whose birthday was ALSO in January) and gave them their gifts. Uncle also informed us that we would be going on another cruise in 2005 that will be 11 days long leaving from Puerto Rico and hitting all the surrounding islands. I told Jenny so she could start saving. This time my parents and maybe a few of their friends are coming. And you know what? I am stoked out of my fucking mind. I can�t wait!!

So Sunday was pretty much a good day.

I should have my computer tomorrow, and hopefully I will get everything rigged up by the end of next week and will be surfing the world wide web waves again by next Saturday. Hoo-yah!! Hopefully, I will be taking Sylvie in on Sunday to get the breaks and rotors done so I can take her to get inspected this month. I�m still the social pariah at work. Big bitch #1 and I still have no clue how I got that fucking title. And it really is bothering me that folks say shit like that about me. I try to not let it bother me�but it does. My birthday is just round the bend. Ugh�I am so not looking forward to it. The big 2-8. Ten years out of high school and still nowhere in life I thought I�d be. I�m not even a mommy. Not nothing, really. Except alone�.for yet another Valentine�s day and birthday. I feel the depression creeping in�the sadness taking over again.

Why oh why can�t I see those angels when I need them?