the most beautiful
January 26, 2004 � 5:04 p.m.

Somewhere in the world, a girl is crying.

She rolls over in bed, with her head lying on her arm, and she pretends that the hand stroking her hair is not hers. Day after day, she lives her solitary life with her head held high, denying the loneliness that threatens to squash her spirit and beckon the tears, but sometimes�sometimes�she just has to give in and let herself feel it�feel the weight of the loneliness.

The hand playing in her hair soothes her as she closes her eyes and sees him�beautiful him�the liar, the great deceiver. She normally surrounds herself with drama and chaos, anything to keep her occupied and her mind nervous and cluttered so she doesn�t have these moments�these lapses into melancholy hopefulness that shed blinding light onto the realities that she has convinced herself to be false. She tells herself that she no longer dreams or hopes, that those were just childish, unrealistic day dreams that she used to ponder to pass the time�because that�s what girls do�sit around and doodle and fantasize about love. She throws herself into sex so she doesn�t feel the need to wish for love, attaching herself to unattractive strangers that give momentary chaos�so she doesn�t have to feel�so nothing needs to be real. But today is not one of those days�this moment is not one of her strong, chaotic moments. Right now, looking around her room, mocked by the screaming silence, the tears flood quietly down as the dream comes to lay next to her and hold her in it�s arms.

She sighs.

She plays on with her hair, comforted by the silky texture, marveling at its brilliant color that shifts in the light.

She feels him there�the liar, the great deceiver�and she laughs out loud from a stupid story he tells. Strange how she didn�t think it funny the first time she heard it, but is falling into hysterics from it�s memory. She hears his croons of undying love as he looks into her eyes and touches her face lovingly, and through tears she reaches out to touch him as she did before, but her hand only accosts the air. Funny how the feel of his skin never enthralled her so much before, but holds her completely spellbound now in her memory. Funny how love wasn�t a notion before�how forever wasn�t fathomable with him before�but now she yearns for it and loves him totally�here�while trapped in these memories.

She then let�s down her guard, and the visions bombard her�visions of a home, a family, of love�of a life�and with her other hand she reaches down to fondle her belly, and she cries out in anguish from the hollowness resting there.

There. Where life used to be.

There. Where life lives no more.

And for this loss, the loss she denies ever happening, she cries hardest of all.

Through her gasps and sobs, she utters incoherent ramblings onto the air, confessions that only love can decipher, and the barrenness spreads to seize hold of her hardened heart. The hand grabs and pulls at her hair as she pulls her knees up to guard her stomach and wail into her pillow. In the arms of her dream, deafened by the lonely silence echoing through her room, with a raspy, pained voice she dares to whisper this blasphemous admission, �I just want someone to love me�give me life�make me whole.� And then surrenders to pain and anguish, both hands protecting her empty belly, as she quivers and sniffles her way to a gasping calm.

Somewhere in the world, a girl stops crying.

She flips onto her back and lays her hands at her sides as the steel races through her blood again to fortify her spine and fill up the emptiness. She stares and counts the bubbles in her ceiling as her chilly reserve returns. She knew what she needed to do to keep the dream and emotions at bay so she could function everyday. She needed some drama. She needed some chaos. She needed to make a mistake.

A big one.

Some time later she sits up and swings her legs around to plant her feet firmly on the floor. She wipes her face and smoothes her hair back into place, her breathing slow and deliberate as she steadies herself. She looks at her reflection in the mirror and with lidded eyes and sultry lips, she blows herself a kiss�beautiful her�the only true liar, the greatest deceiver�as she picks up her phone and dials. It clicks after the third ring.

�Hello?� his voice caressed her ear.

�Hey�� she oozes as she rubs her thigh and tilts her head coyly to the side.

�Hey�� he breathes, recognizing her voice, recognizing the tone in her voice�no matter how long they�ve been apart. �What�s going on?� She hesitates only moment, before primly raising her head and jutting out her chin.

�I need you come see me,� she whispers sexily. She cringes as he chuckles and says he�ll be right there before the line clicks and he is gone. She hangs up and covers her face with her hands, already dreading the ensuing regret, and slowly she smiles as she anticipates the peace the chaos will bring.

It always ends up being all about this.

Proof that she is fine and strong and brave, having no need for love�

the most beautiful lie created by the greatest deceiver of them all�

herself.